Not Just Another Pretty Face

I had a dream...

...and it came true, how awesome is that? *heart heart heart*

Labels: Me myself and I

Finding happiness in simple things

Pretty roses make me happy *heart*

Labels: Girl stuff, Me myself and I, Random Stuff

I Will Always Love You

I blogged about how much I love Whitney Houston's version of I will always love you in the movie the Bodyguard recently so it was a shock when I woke up last Sunday & while I was eating my breakfast my dad, (who had already been up hours before me & read the papers) told me that she had been found dead. Her death saddened me, perhaps more accutely because of its unexpectedness.

How quickly things and circumstances can change.

But yet, as normal humans, we mourn, the sadness passes or dulls and we have to move on or appear like we have in the hope that we soon will, but perhaps who we are is not who we were at the beginning.

And that change at least, I think is not always a bad thing.

Singapore, 14-Feb-2012

Labels: Me myself and I

2012: Paper Faces on Parade No More

"Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!
Masquerade! Hide your face so the world will never find you..."

I had to sit myself down to write this post of reflection on the year that was as I knew if I didn't I would never get around to it. What better time when you have some spare time on hand? *gasp* Free time during Chinese New Year?! Now that to me sounds like the oxymoron of my entire life. I have never been a big fan of CNY, daresay, I never will, for which I have many valid reasons that I shall not delve into in this post.

This post is not to crow about the amazingly zen CNY I am having this year (change is good, embrace it), OK just a little, *smirk* - you poor, poor souls stuck in traffic jams and crazily packed eating places in the horrendously sweltering weather- but it is to reflect. Why is it that it seems people only reflect on New Years as I for one have spent a lot of my 2011 reflecting. Perhaps, I am naturally reflective. Shades anyone?

To cut to the chase- 2011: sucky or succulent? To put it plainly but surely, it sucked. Big time.

Chockfull of changes- death, weddings of the closest people in my life, huge arguements with my mother, elaborate lies and manipulation: meeting the biggest loser (and I'm not talking about weight nor am I dramatizing) I have ever met, managing renovations and moving house almost all by myself, making the decision to quit a job and starting over in a different field of work. Turning 30 could never have been more painfully chaotic I think. I am amazed at myself when I look back and now that I am here, living and breathing quite happily and cheerfully on the other side, I guess I can easily say that I had to go through what I did for many reasons.

Most important of which I think is to truly prove to myself once and for all that I am strong and brave, someone who doesn't break easily and faces things and change with lots of resilience. No matter what people want to tell me because they just simply cannot accept that it is their own shortcomings for failure, I will have this self assurance. They are the cowards and losers, not me. People who truly love me will only support me when I need them- not put me down or brush me off.

I also realized that sometimes, despite my stubborn belief that through dogged determination and perseverance, you can achieve almost anything- there are situations when you are losing a part of yourself that you love, the best thing for yourself, is to walk away although it hurts and never ever look back.

I made many choices the past year where I think not many people agreed or understood what I chose at that point of time, but I realized I did it because I innately knew it was what was best for me. I think moving into my own place helped a lot with that. It gave me space to be my own person. It got rid of the incessant "noise" and "clutter" and allowed me to settle my own inner turmoil they way I needed to. For that, I am thankful. It is truly the best thing I ever did for myself.

In a way, because of the bad year, I see things so much clearer now. I see people with their masks on, acting on the stage that is life, and I know that truly all that glitters is not gold. Whatever mask is it that you put on to show the world or hide behind be it practiced charisma, religious piety, success at work/home/marriage or lots of makeup and beautiful clothes to name a few, if you are a pile of stinky steamy shit behind the pretty facade, you will be found out, rest assured. It is only a matter of time.

On that note, for 2012, I want to strive to be true to myself and be more sincere to others. I will not downplay my successes because I think it makes others feel bad, nor will I flaunt it. I will not simply do something that only makes others happy, when it makes me feel bad. And I will try not to hide behind any masks.

Here's wishing Gong Hey Fatt Choy- Happiness, Health and Prosperity to all my loved ones. May this year be a genuinely great one for all of us.

Labels: Me myself and I

Happy New Year: "I'm Happy"

Too good not to share :) Dedicated to all the "pretty stupid" people out there.

Labels: Me myself and I, Random Stuff

The best thing I never knew I never had

Before I met you, I thought my life was already pretty awesome. I had everything going for me and I lived each day with much love, joy and laughter.

But one beautiful day, as naturally as if it were pre-ordained in the books of creation, I met you and after a brief period of hesitation and deliberation, I took the plunge one sunny December's day and as I hoped you would, you caught me safely and securely in your arms.

Amidst the flurry of butterflies in my stomach and notional fireworks, together, we started on our Journey of Love.

Now, albeit the brief period of time we have spent together and cheesy as it may sound, I can't imagine my life without you.

You amaze me everyday. You fulfill needs that I never knew I had. You charm me in ways I never knew I could be touched and delighted by. Every morning, when I leave you behind in bed after our night of tender touching, I have to tear myself away and I wish with every fibre of my being that I didn't have to leave you behind.

You truly showed me that life is beautiful and with the dawn of every morning, there is only more of you, and by juxtoposition- others out there- simply waiting to be discovered.

Ah, the tittilation of my senses anew: my fingers tingle in anticipation of the potential.

Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever. *heart* Merry Christmas everyone! =)

Labels: Me myself and I, Random Stuff

But above all, I wish you love

Joy, Happiness & Love

Having finished watching for the 2nd time around, Gilmore Girls (All 7 seasons!)- which in my opinion is one of the best TV series ever made- I just wanted to share one of my favourite scenes from the movie.

I will always love you- one of the greatest songs ever written. Beautiful in its simplicity.

I also loved Whitney Houston's version in The Bodyguard.

Since it's close to Christmas, with the atmosphere of giving in the air, I 'd like to wish everyone love, of the pure and unsullied kind.

Labels: Me myself and I, Random Stuff

Older but not wiser?

Silly as it may sound, but the twisty root of my wisdom tooth (pictured above) reminds me of those you find on beansprouts.

The dentist said it was unusual for teeth to have a root like mine (oh ye convoluted tooth!) and asked me if I wanted to bring it home and I said "yes" because I wanted to leave it under my pillow for the tooth fairy to find and leave me a dollar in return. LOL.

Incidentally, the root broke in my gum because the dentist couldn't see its unsual shape from the X-ray, and she had to do some extra procedure to extract the chipped root. The whole process really sounds more painful than it actually was.

I think I've come very far from being the little kid who was so, so afraid of the dentist and many other things.

Here's to being stronger and wiser, although sans wisdom tooth ;)

Labels: Me myself and I, Random Stuff

My killer heels

New shoes make me happy *heart*

Labels: Girl stuff, Me myself and I

Living life vicariously

If you don't know what you want the saving grace is that at least you know what you don't want, or so I think.

I pity those who seem to know what they want, but in actuality are just incredibly selfish narcissists petulantly unwilling to grow the hell up.

I know what I don't want: so I always make sure to throw out the trash.

Comme ci comme ca. But it will only get better.

Labels: Me myself and I

Blue

<3 Always

To infinity and the clear blue sea

Clifts of Uluwatu

OPI Shatter in Turquoise *heart*

Because I love you

Edit: 14-Nov is World Diabetes Day. Blue is the colour of Diabetes Awareness.

Love yourself. Exercise & Indulge only occasionally ;)

Labels: Me myself and I

Ever the same...but things still change

In the midst of compiling some songs for my best friend's wedding, I realized as I combed through my collection of music, that it was such an eclectic, random mix of influences from the people I have or had in my life. People I love, have loved, have lost, have hurt. Been hurt by. Will always be fond of or close to.

For just a while as I played many familiar tunes, I dwelled on the memories that were associated with the specific song that was playing. Moments in a particular time, that had meant the world to me or I wanted to forget forever. Funny isn't it, how songs can make you recall poignantly.

But the melody of life stops for no one, no matter how much they wish.

How much I wished the lyrics would stop at the best of times, and yet I still stupidly, impossibly hope.

*I dedicate this song and post to you. I wish with all my heart things will be fine for you soon.*

"Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me, tell me everything you want me to be

"I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

"You're no burden, I assure, You tide me over"

Labels: Me myself and I

A simple little place called home

Living room. *heart*

With only 3 months to go until the end of the year, I think I may safely declare that the best thing I did this year was to move into my own place.

This is actually a long overdue post as I physically moved a couple of months ago but honestly, I have only really settled in the past week or so when finally, the last touch ups and renovations were complete and I finally got my high-speed Internet up and running. I'm still missing tables (I don't have a single table, be it writing, dining, coffee or ornamental) and some other furniture, curtains and knicks and knacks for the rooms but more or less the place is comfortably habitable.

My T&Co inspired blue shoe cabinet. This photo does not do it justice! :) Yes these are ALL MY SHOES! Finally I have enough space to store them all.

It hasn't been an easy process and it has tested every ounce of my strength physically, mentally and emotionally throughout these past 5 months or so. Groping in the dark on things alien to me, fear of being cheated and trying to create a place that was very me and that I would really look forward coming home to every day but at the same time not cost me an arm, a leg and a heart in the process certainly took its toll on me and there were occasions I felt very streched, overwhelmed and spent.

Was it the most difficult thing I did this year? Honestly, among the hardest and I've had to do many difficult things this year.

Was it worth the trouble? Certainly yes. Nothing worth it is ever easy I think. And as I sit here in my living room on my couch, writing this post on my laptop in the quietly cool atmosphere with soft, muted lighting, I feel incredibly at peace. This is truly a place to call my own. I personally chose every single piece of furnishing, tile, colour of paint, cabinet material and colour, placement of electrical & lighting points & electrical appliance in my home. It is not perfect but I think I captured the essence of what I wanted.

And in my little haven, I am my own person. It is all about me and what I need and want.

Joyously, I find my serenity.

Master bathroom with lotsa space for my beauty & personal care odds and ends and my kitchen, still not used to it's fullest potential yet thus far ;)

Labels: Events, Me myself and I

Dirty Little Secrets

Has it already been two weeks since I shut the door?

Time seems flighty and stretchy, like the web of spiders, or the illusion of it, seems to be. A fly trapped in a spider’s web, I imagine if I could talk to flies, would tell you that it is a trap spun to deceive when in reality, like the web of deceit, it is a lot less delicate and a lot more sordid. And always, a very calculated measure.

It could have been two hours or two months. Does time really matter? In the unreal haze of hurt, not looking back for any trace of guilt? regret? relief?, a little voice that is the very core of strength in me which I never knew I possessed told me with dire irony, that the wonderful news was that: I was alone. The only person I had to care about was me. The walk I walked was lonely but with my head unbowed.

I may never know the whys and whats or discern the reality from the illusions but with time, one day it will not matter to me anymore.

As for now, I wish to set myself free of all the dirty little secrets- the burden is not mine to carry.

Labels: Me myself and I

Isn't it ironic

On days like these I wonder why life is full of irony, to me at least.

It hurts to my very core and makes me incredibly sad, why it seems as though there is always something lacking, that I am the one always waiting, always putting my life on hold, always taking into account others interest and feelings, potentially neglecting things that could be important to me in a future with or without.

It pains me and I really don't understand why the ones by your side and are always there for you, are not the ones who are in your heart of hearts, though they are very close indeed. I truly wish it could be, but alas, it is to be a twisted joke of irony.

Labels: Me myself and I

Chances are...you're the best that I've ever met

From Me to You

Chances Are
Vonda Shepard & Robert Downey Jr

Chances are you'll find me
Somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always end up driving by
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don't apply

I long to see you in the night
Be with you 'till morning light

I remember clearly how you looked
The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace, your style

And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me

Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have

You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best, I've ever met

And I'll be dreaming of the future
And hoping you'll be by my side
And in the morning I'll be longing
For the night, for the night

Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have

You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best I've ever met

Labels: Me myself and I

The end is the beginning is the end

Taman Shatin, Ipoh 1-May-2011

"Is it bright where you are, have the people changed?" -Smashing Pumpkins-

As I write this, I hope with all sincerity that you are in a better place- free of your suffering, free of the agonizing pain, free of the awful indignities that have trapped you for the last months of your life.

I imagine you in a place of lightness and serenity where you walk tall and strong amidst the gentle sloping mountains and the crystal clear lakes, immortalized in the way that I have known you all my life and, I picture you with a gentle smile on your face as you calmly gaze upon the peaceful scene and the capricious breeze ruffles your hair that is always neatly combed and always will be forever more.

No one can begin to fathom how terrible it must have been and you must have wondered many times, what you did wrong to deserve the shorter end of the stick. I am sorry that you had to suffer and I could not help you more.

Although losing you is heartbreaking to us, I would like you to know, if you don't already that I find myself encouraged and strengthened by the positive impact your demise has had on us who have yet to cross to the other side. We are reminded of what truly matters in life- that life is short and unpredictable and that you should truly cherish the people around you who matter the most to you as you never know when is the last time you will ever see them, laugh with them or hold them close. Cliched you may say, but such are life's stark realities.

I see forgiveness, I see generosity in spirit, time, energy and money, I see sincerity and quiet strength in the people closest to you and me. We should remember that we should not be afraid to trouble family in times of need. For that, I am thankful you have opened our eyes anew and for all your suffering, you have imparted upon us a priceless gift and lesson that I hope everyone close to us will take to heart and live life differently from before- a new beginning for our family.

And even as I mourn your end, I find myself experiencing the new beginning of a blissful kind of buoyant, uplifting happiness- the kind that is dangerous- because in a flip and cruel twist of fate, it would be horribly painful to lose. What's that people say about love and hate- that they are on the different sides of the same coin?

Wherever you are my kow foo, I hope it is bright.

Labels: Me myself and I

Being happy right here, right now

Random slices of happiness from top left clockwise 1) Creme Brulee- one of my favourite desserts- been craving for a good one for months! This one was decadent and worth it's weight in fat! 2) Fresh scallops on rice with ebiko, a serendipitous discovery ;) 3) Celebration with some of the favourite people in my life 4) Organic Jasmine green tea, almond biscuits and almond body scrub- stuff guaranteed to cheer me up, all purchased on the same day, and coincidentally in various hues of green

Recently I met someone who told me that to be happy, you had to live in the moment, in the sense that you really savoured each and every tiny morsel of that slice of time, to taste the full-bodied flavour of each serving through every sense that is humanly available to us- smell, touch, taste, sight and sound.

If at each point of time, we could successfully do that, we could be truly happy all the time and because that happiness comes from within ourselves, we would not have expectations on others to make us happy and be dissappointed and sad when they fail us time and again.

The idea although simple and not particularly novel, made sense to me as it has occured to me on many occasions that the reason why I find happiness to be fleeting is because I spent time worrying about what I should have done and what I should do, rather than enjoying the time that I am happy. To train my mind to that level of discipline and not for it to stray and wonder along the idle but very damaging "coulda shoulda woulda" train of thought is the hardest challenge for me I think.

Since today is a pivotal coming of age milestone for me of turning 30, I'd like to consciously take a teensy weensy baby step towards that state of peaceful bliss for my own sake- as a gift to myself.

As I write this, I am happy, and I'm savouring the perfect uniqueness of the moment.

Labels: Me myself and I

Soy, un perdedor

"I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?"

I came across this song in an episode of Glee and loved it, mostly for the lyrics, the nonchalant defiance and irony in the words.

Some of my favourite verses:

In time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey
Butane in my veins, so I'm out to cut the junkie

Someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt

Slap the turkey neck and its hanging from a pigeon wing
You can't write if you can't relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax, fallin' on a termite
That's chokin on the splinters

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

I believe there's a loser in everyone of us, that everyone is prone to loser-ish behavior at times alone or among the people whom you know could accept you for who you are, loser-ish behavior and all.

Inspired by this song, for those that can't accept the loser me, I suppose why don't you just kill me?

Labels: Me myself and I, Random Stuff

6375 puppets on a broken string

If I were to sum up my Chinese New Year 2011 succintly, it would be "exceedingly exhausting" multiplied a thousand-fold over.

Physically drained and emotionally weighed down after the prolonged break, I arrived back in KL longing for another week or at least a day to recuperate.

The few closest to me would know the ordeal I had to endure and understand I have tried my utter best, that I have given it my best shot and yet pleased no one, and instead made myself the unhappiest.

The less kindred people who don't understand or care to understand will tell me things like "let go of small things" or "snap out of it." Just like how most people judged the recent cases of teenage suicide over failed relationships: "dramatizing small things", "in life there is always rejection, why do you have to kill yourself over it?"

Yes, killing yourself over someone who wasn't worth another precious second of your time is is certainly going overboard. But what I don't understand is that why the majority of people couldn't see how tragic it was that these teenagers have tried reaching out, have been crying out for attention- over Facebook, to their friends and family, who should love them, just brushed them aside and not sparing some time to actually listen to them, to see that they are not only physically but also emotionally healthy as well.

It sickens me how love or the idea of love can be so incredibly warped. At this juncture, if I ever have children (which I'm not even sure I want to have or if I even want to get married), I hope I will not impose upon them the incredibly exacting moral obligations that have been imposed upon me. I hope they never feel the guilt and fear for each and every of their actions that few if any will understand. I hope they will never be afraid to voice out their opinions. I hope they never find home a place where they cannot be themselves, where they are insecure and rightly doubt that they will be loved for just the person that they are. I hope they never find themselves feeling that there is little left for them at home.

I think the world passes judgement enough. To not have a place where you could just go and be loved unconditionally really gets to me. Please do not lecture me about going to God. You are free to believe what you want, but I can NEVER stand you imposing it upon me and the very thought sickens me and makes me want to vomit.

The God I know does not promise to love me unconditionally although I know certainly God is watching over me. I had a very funny demonstration of God's power in a temple this CNY. I like to think that it's my "reward" and validation for sticking to what I sincerely believed in despite what I had gone through last year. And I hope people will stop imposing their believes on others and open their freakingly narrow minds.

Increasingly, I feel listless and empty when I go home to Ipoh. The mindless gatherings with stupid gossipy people who only want to feel better about themselves by putting you down. I would have loved to tell you to your face that your life is freaking boring - married with a guy introduced to you by your parents and 3 months pregnant and yes, you are fat you overweight cow, it's NOT the camera angle!- and I don't envy your life in the slightest but I am just too nice and polite to tell you to your face. It is perfectly fine with me if you want to be boring and stuck in a small town, but what I cannot stand is why such a boring person like you, needs to be gossipy and cruel? I mean, criticizing people's wedding photos behind their back, in front of other friends? I guess you have to, since what do you have that is so special in your life?

But thank God, there are also incredibly down to earth people at these gatherings (I am glad!) I am genuinely happy for and sincerely happy to meet. People I wouldn't mind meeting up on a more intimate basis. I'm so glad one of them is coming down to KL. Kindred spirits are far and few in between and I cherish every one of them dearly.

And it was a joy playing with and hugging my little cousins and seeing how happy, carefree and confident they are. I don't think I was ever like that at their age. To me, it symbolizes that there is another way to raise children. To raise them to take life and themselves a little less seriously, and to teach them how they should respect other's opinions and believes, and what sincerity means, as well as responsibility, perseverance and commitment to things that matter to them.

Not to just grow up to be the gossipy pitiable bitches at annual gatherings or the narcissistic masses who spend lots of time uploading scores of stupid photos of such gatherings and the likes on Facebook and thinking that doing so is worth their time in gold!

Oh, I use Facebook too, I know how easy it is to spin illusions too if you want.

Happy Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fatt Chai!

Here's to making changes where changes are long overdue.

Labels: Me myself and I

Not Just Another Pretty Face

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

I had a dream...

Monday, March 05, 2012

Finding happiness in simple things

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I Will Always Love You

Monday, January 23, 2012

2012: Paper Faces on Parade No More

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Happy New Year: "I'm Happy"

Sunday, December 25, 2011

The best thing I never knew I never had

Friday, December 16, 2011

But above all, I wish you love

Monday, December 12, 2011

Older but not wiser?

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

My killer heels

Friday, November 25, 2011

Living life vicariously

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Blue

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Ever the same...but things still change

Friday, September 30, 2011

A simple little place called home

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dirty Little Secrets

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Isn't it ironic

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Chances are...you're the best that I've ever met

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

The end is the beginning is the end

Monday, March 28, 2011

Being happy right here, right now

Monday, February 28, 2011

Soy, un perdedor

Saturday, February 12, 2011

6375 puppets on a broken string

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