2012: Paper Faces on Parade No More
Masquerade! Hide your face so the world will never find you..."
I had to sit myself down to write this post of reflection on the year that was as I knew if I didn't I would never get around to it. What better time when you have some spare time on hand? *gasp* Free time during Chinese New Year?! Now that to me sounds like the oxymoron of my entire life. I have never been a big fan of CNY, daresay, I never will, for which I have many valid reasons that I shall not delve into in this post.
This post is not to crow about the amazingly zen CNY I am having this year (change is good, embrace it), OK just a little, *smirk* - you poor, poor souls stuck in traffic jams and crazily packed eating places in the horrendously sweltering weather- but it is to reflect. Why is it that it seems people only reflect on New Years as I for one have spent a lot of my 2011 reflecting. Perhaps, I am naturally reflective. Shades anyone?
To cut to the chase- 2011: sucky or succulent? To put it plainly but surely, it sucked. Big time.
Chockfull of changes- death, weddings of the closest people in my life, huge arguements with my mother, elaborate lies and manipulation: meeting the biggest loser (and I'm not talking about weight nor am I dramatizing) I have ever met, managing renovations and moving house almost all by myself, making the decision to quit a job and starting over in a different field of work. Turning 30 could never have been more painfully chaotic I think. I am amazed at myself when I look back and now that I am here, living and breathing quite happily and cheerfully on the other side, I guess I can easily say that I had to go through what I did for many reasons.
Most important of which I think is to truly prove to myself once and for all that I am strong and brave, someone who doesn't break easily and faces things and change with lots of resilience. No matter what people want to tell me because they just simply cannot accept that it is their own shortcomings for failure, I will have this self assurance. They are the cowards and losers, not me. People who truly love me will only support me when I need them- not put me down or brush me off.
I also realized that sometimes, despite my stubborn belief that through dogged determination and perseverance, you can achieve almost anything- there are situations when you are losing a part of yourself that you love, the best thing for yourself, is to walk away although it hurts and never ever look back.
I made many choices the past year where I think not many people agreed or understood what I chose at that point of time, but I realized I did it because I innately knew it was what was best for me. I think moving into my own place helped a lot with that. It gave me space to be my own person. It got rid of the incessant "noise" and "clutter" and allowed me to settle my own inner turmoil they way I needed to. For that, I am thankful. It is truly the best thing I ever did for myself.
In a way, because of the bad year, I see things so much clearer now. I see people with their masks on, acting on the stage that is life, and I know that truly all that glitters is not gold. Whatever mask is it that you put on to show the world or hide behind be it practiced charisma, religious piety, success at work/home/marriage or lots of makeup and beautiful clothes to name a few, if you are a pile of stinky steamy shit behind the pretty facade, you will be found out, rest assured. It is only a matter of time.
On that note, for 2012, I want to strive to be true to myself and be more sincere to others. I will not downplay my successes because I think it makes others feel bad, nor will I flaunt it. I will not simply do something that only makes others happy, when it makes me feel bad. And I will try not to hide behind any masks.
Here's wishing Gong Hey Fatt Choy- Happiness, Health and Prosperity to all my loved ones. May this year be a genuinely great one for all of us.
Labels: Me myself and I