Reflections of weeks gone by
"Gotta have something to keep us together..."
It's been a while since I wrote anything in my blog. Many a time in the past weeks, I have thought to myself, I want to capture this moment in writing, to express in words the very essence of this deep, complex feeling in my chest in hope to distill it to simplicity but I guess I was just too exhausted mentally and physically to write anything or to sort through my thoughts.
But tonight, I decided I needed to write.
It seems so much has changed in my life between September and now, and yet paradoxically, who I am innately, remains unchanged. My soul is a little more battered than usual, my heart is weighed down with much dissappointment, resentment and anger but when I look back in my currently more rationale frame of mind on things I have written on my feelings and thoughts in the past weeks- I realized I nod at every word I read. It may sound stupid (since it's myself I'm agreeing with...like duh!), but what i mean is that I agree with what I thought then, even now. Every word I wrote in my haze of emotions, was lucid and very much what I truly felt. And Friday is still my favourite day of the week.
To me, this shows that in my own way, I remain true to myself which is something so very important to me. It matters to me that I am real especially to the people I love the most. I am me. I am not a fake version of myself, or manipulating someone to think of me in a better way and pushing the blame to them or blaming circumstance or worst, differences in character. I take responsibility for my failures. Sometimes even more than my fair share of responsibility.
But through all the hurt and the pain, it's ironic that I am actually reminded of all the wonderful things in my life, especially all the people who love and care for me so much for who I am. Perhaps I didn't expect that I was so deserving of all the love showered upon me, I didnt expect it and I am truly touched.
I am awakened to remember anew that there are many people who actually enjoy my company, are willing to spend money on me, who believe that what we have been through is worth cherishing, that on short notice or sometimes no notice at all, are happy to spend their precious time with me, just me, nobody else and expect nothing in return. There are people who are willing to change their schedules to accomodate mine and have nothing but the utmost respect for my time. If I feel the need to talk to someone at 2am if I'm feeling down or scared, I know people I can call. I know my call will always be answered and I could talk, sometimes even about nothing or bimbo things like I really, really feel FAT, and they would still listen patiently albeit sleepily. I guess I am truly blessed in that sense, because who needs a gazillion friends, when there are a few cherished people you know you can truly count on in times of need? So I thank sincerely thank God for that. Maybe I need to offer some nice juicy chicken on the altar soon or perhaps some expensive Godiva chocolate, the Food of the Gods. LOL. But I jest.
I know I would do the same for my loved ones, have done the same in certain instances for all these people that I will not mention in name here but I am sure that you know who you are. Thanks so much again.
It matters to me so much that my loved ones are happy. And I'm so glad that making sure I am happy is important to them too and that I am worth their efforts.
Love, love: it's what keeps us together.
Labels: Me myself and I