< SCRIPT language="JavaScript"> < !-- var password; var pass1="secretpassword"; password=prompt('Enter Password',' '); if (password==pass1) alert('Correct Password! Click OK to Enter!'); else { window.location="http://njapf.blogspot.com/"; } //--> < /SCRIPT> Not Just Another Pretty Face: September 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Let me be your shelter from the storm

Tonight I search within myself for an answer to a question or questions I'm not even sure what they are. The feeling of dread and fear. Of an unknown entity grips me and makes me fretfully awake.

I wish the fear and to an extent, the sadness and uncertainty swirling inside me could be easily soothed. I really hate to be a burden to anyone. To take up people's precious time that they could be doing more productive things. To be able to do more productive things with my time. I wish to get a grip on things and be able to sleep things over. To leave things to a higher power. It's not for a lack of trying. But that does not in anyway make me feel "better" as it should.

I feel burdened sometimes that when I am home, I don't truly feel at home. It saddens me. I wished I could feel at home. It seems like I have no true home sometimes. A home in name but I remain a fake me. When and where can I truly just be me and be loved, if not just accepted for that? No questions asked. No demands- fair or unfair- made, spoken or unspoken. And yet, I feel guilty. That perhaps my home in name would one day not be there. And I would regret not being there in my entity from the very beginning.

At times like these, I do think, where and how would I feel comforted. Perhaps it's the most painful of all that, I don't think there would be a place I could go or be that I could feel like im the truest version of myself without having to be fake and compromise or take care of people's feelings or happiness of their being.

It's like there are many versions of me, many people know many versions of me and neither of them is truly me.

I think It sometimes would be nice to go somewhere, where no one knows you and just blend into the anonymity of the place. It would be peaceful and calm and serene.