Soy, un perdedor
"I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?"
I came across this song in an episode of Glee and loved it, mostly for the lyrics, the nonchalant defiance and irony in the words.
Some of my favourite verses:
In time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey
Butane in my veins, so I'm out to cut the junkie
Someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
Slap the turkey neck and its hanging from a pigeon wing
You can't write if you can't relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax, fallin' on a termite
That's chokin on the splinters
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?
I believe there's a loser in everyone of us, that everyone is prone to loser-ish behavior at times alone or among the people whom you know could accept you for who you are, loser-ish behavior and all.
Inspired by this song, for those that can't accept the loser me, I suppose why don't you just kill me? Labels: Me myself and I, Random Stuff
6375 puppets on a broken string
If I were to sum up my Chinese New Year 2011 succintly, it would be "exceedingly exhausting" multiplied a thousand-fold over.
Physically drained and emotionally weighed down after the prolonged break, I arrived back in KL longing for another week or at least a day to recuperate.
The few closest to me would know the ordeal I had to endure and understand I have tried my utter best, that I have given it my best shot and yet pleased no one, and instead made myself the unhappiest.
The less kindred people who don't understand or care to understand will tell me things like "let go of small things" or "snap out of it." Just like how most people judged the recent cases of teenage suicide over failed relationships: "dramatizing small things", "in life there is always rejection, why do you have to kill yourself over it?"
Yes, killing yourself over someone who wasn't worth another precious second of your time is is certainly going overboard. But what I don't understand is that why the majority of people couldn't see how tragic it was that these teenagers have tried reaching out, have been crying out for attention- over Facebook, to their friends and family, who should love them, just brushed them aside and not sparing some time to actually listen to them, to see that they are not only physically but also emotionally healthy as well.
It sickens me how love or the idea of love can be so incredibly warped. At this juncture, if I ever have children (which I'm not even sure I want to have or if I even want to get married), I hope I will not impose upon them the incredibly exacting moral obligations that have been imposed upon me. I hope they never feel the guilt and fear for each and every of their actions that few if any will understand. I hope they will never be afraid to voice out their opinions. I hope they never find home a place where they cannot be themselves, where they are insecure and rightly doubt that they will be loved for just the person that they are. I hope they never find themselves feeling that there is little left for them at home.
I think the world passes judgement enough. To not have a place where you could just go and be loved unconditionally really gets to me. Please do not lecture me about going to God. You are free to believe what you want, but I can NEVER stand you imposing it upon me and the very thought sickens me and makes me want to vomit.
The God I know does not promise to love me unconditionally although I know certainly God is watching over me. I had a very funny demonstration of God's power in a temple this CNY. I like to think that it's my "reward" and validation for sticking to what I sincerely believed in despite what I had gone through last year. And I hope people will stop imposing their believes on others and open their freakingly narrow minds.
Increasingly, I feel listless and empty when I go home to Ipoh. The mindless gatherings with stupid gossipy people who only want to feel better about themselves by putting you down. I would have loved to tell you to your face that your life is freaking boring - married with a guy introduced to you by your parents and 3 months pregnant and yes, you are fat you overweight cow, it's NOT the camera angle!- and I don't envy your life in the slightest but I am just too nice and polite to tell you to your face. It is perfectly fine with me if you want to be boring and stuck in a small town, but what I cannot stand is why such a boring person like you, needs to be gossipy and cruel? I mean, criticizing people's wedding photos behind their back, in front of other friends? I guess you have to, since what do you have that is so special in your life?
But thank God, there are also incredibly down to earth people at these gatherings (I am glad!) I am genuinely happy for and sincerely happy to meet. People I wouldn't mind meeting up on a more intimate basis. I'm so glad one of them is coming down to KL. Kindred spirits are far and few in between and I cherish every one of them dearly. And it was a joy playing with and hugging my little cousins and seeing how happy, carefree and confident they are. I don't think I was ever like that at their age. To me, it symbolizes that there is another way to raise children. To raise them to take life and themselves a little less seriously, and to teach them how they should respect other's opinions and believes, and what sincerity means, as well as responsibility, perseverance and commitment to things that matter to them.
Not to just grow up to be the gossipy pitiable bitches at annual gatherings or the narcissistic masses who spend lots of time uploading scores of stupid photos of such gatherings and the likes on Facebook and thinking that doing so is worth their time in gold!
Oh, I use Facebook too, I know how easy it is to spin illusions too if you want.
Happy Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fatt Chai!
Here's to making changes where changes are long overdue. Labels: Me myself and I
