Not Just Another Pretty Face: The first quarter of 2008

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

The first quarter of 2008

I think the majority of my blogposts in 2008 have been lacklustre and shallow, written without much care or thought for inflection or choice of words. Nouns are slapped together, sandwiched between adjectives and pronouns and conjunctions, punctuated hastily and uploaded without much consideration. Simply blogging for the sake of putting something up. I feel that I haven't been putting as much effort into my writing.

For some reason, my heart hasn't been into writing deep, thoughtful reflective posts such as of old. Why? I don't really know. Maybe I can see from my blog statistics that more and more people are actually reading my blog and hence, the shy, introvert in my subconcious is telling me to hold a part of myself back and not to reveal too much of my innermost thoughts. But this in itself is a paradox, of course I want people to read my blog! Of course I want people to read and understand, and agree with my point of view. To see where I am coming from, to gain insight on what I'm thinking about. Perhaps then again, this is not the reason for my reticence in writing.

Maybe, I just pride myself on a higher standard of writing. Perfectionist! Pfffttt...

Upon reflecting on what has been happening to me in my day to day life, I think nothing much has changed. Perhaps I did spend the early part of the year wallowing a bit in some self-pity and minor depression for a variety of reasons I cannot recall clearly now. But overall, my routine has remained basically the same except nowadays, I'm challenging myself to get off work as early as possible so I can make it to my yoga classes. I'm aiming to be as productive as possible during working hours and not work overtime if possible. It's still a struggle to achieve the delicate balance between work and having a life that some lucky few, if any, have actually achieved. Sometimes work wins, sometimes life wins. There are off days and then there are some. Some days Baskin Robbins at MidValley is just plain flat out of Jamaica Almond Fudge and Strawberry Cheesecake just simply DOES NOT hit the spot, people around you are menancing, calculative and complicated and their actions, words and motives are unfathomable. I feel discomfitted, out of sorts, upset but for no apparent, substantial reason that can be pin-pointed. The kind of upset that is the hardest to cure! And then of course, there are the days that make life worth living even if they are far and few in between- when everything around you swirls in technicolour, flows smoothly and seems to fall into perfect place as if its positioning had been measured with pre-destined precision and your clarity of vision, perception and perspective of events and people around you is crystal clear and pure. I feel at peace, fulfilled, inspired.

At a personal level, I think I've never been more at ease and accepting of myself. I already know my weaknesses too well, but I think I'm increasingly more aware of my strengths. Around me people are getting into serious relationships, getting married and having babies. It's almost a weekly event to hear of someone or read on someone's blog of someone or other getting hitched or announcing the happy "double-lines" result. I am not exaggerating! Seriously. Not meaning any offence to all my friends who are preggers or going to get hitched, I'm sincerely happy for all of you, but perhaps, for the rest of us unmarried, unexpecting bunch, I think that we have hit The Age! You know the age where your biological clock is supposed to go tick tock, when are you gonna pop? OK, lame joke but honestly, despite all the weddings, conceptions and births happening around me, none of it seems to have rubbed off on me because I'm still no where near getting married or *gasps* having a baby.

But for some strange reason, despite all the "odds" against me at this juncture, I'm happy about myself. In fact, happier than I've ever been in my life about myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I don't think I'm that bad off. In fact, I have a lot going for me in life.

I think I'm pretty on track with my personal goals for 2008 don't you think? Only Japan left to visit on my must-visit list and I'm feeling positive and well into the swing of my yoga/pilates classes.

I've never appreciated the saying that Happiness Comes from Within any more than now.

Labels: Me, myself and I