Puppets on a string
Sometimes I feel like a puppet on a string, and like someone "up above" is pulling on invisible strings attached to my limp body.
A sharp tug makes my right leg swing up in a kung-fu kick ala Bruce Lee and yet another makes my arm swing in a pointless 360 degrees arch. As if I've no control over what I want to do and I'm just living my life as a puppet to others' demands and whims.
Let's split utilities, my housemate requests. It's hard for me with one tenant less, she says. What about all your houseguests who are constantly over at our place and are more or less "permanent" tenants anyhow, I silently question her. Oh, do chip in for the Astro bill as well, she adds. But I hardly watch Astro ('cept for the World Cup months ago), I can't stand the mess the hall is in and the kitchen as well for that matter, I mentally rebutt her. Outwardly, I don't know and don't have the energy to put all my train of thoughts into words, and I just say "OK."
Let's split utilities, my housemate requests. It's hard for me with one tenant less, she says. What about all your houseguests who are constantly over at our place and are more or less "permanent" tenants anyhow, I silently question her. Oh, do chip in for the Astro bill as well, she adds. But I hardly watch Astro ('cept for the World Cup months ago), I can't stand the mess the hall is in and the kitchen as well for that matter, I mentally rebutt her. Outwardly, I don't know and don't have the energy to put all my train of thoughts into words, and I just say "OK."
And at the scene of the rat race, I face new, ambitious members of the rat pack, telling me their big ideas. And inwardly I think, are you trying to learn to walk before you run? Am I supposed to mollycoddle you and pick you up when you fall at the expense of my own responsibilities? I sense some think they are above some aspects of their jobs and that it's "unprofessional" to do the things I feel is our responsibility to do. I try to be open to new changes and approaches and don't know if I'm correct, so I listen, reserve my doubts to myself and say "We can try."
A bad hotel experience at Port Douglas during my recent Aussie trip, where the hotel proprietress (this huge dragon lady who looked down her nose at me because I was Asian, obvious from the way she treated other guests and myself) told me that toll free numbers dialed from the hotel were no charge, only to tell me upon checkout that I had to pay for each called I had made. Upon me explaining politely what she and her good husband had told me earlier (I had double checked just to be sure), she booms, but you still HAVE TO PAY! And me, to avoid confrontation in a place where I was a foreigner and because the amount wasn't huge- about RM 50, say "Fine."
These situations exhaust me, make me feel taken advantage of and angry because I didn't react differently. I'd like to have spoken to my housemate about why I shouldn't pay and spoken my mind about what I feel should have been done at work and refused flat to pay the dragon lady.
Heck. Maybe tomorrow- with another puppeteer. Or hopefully, in other similar situations.
posted by N.J.A.P.F. @ 6:55 PM
3 Comments:
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My dear friend,
Yeah....We sometimes get caught in situations where we wished we had acted differently - speak our thoughts instead of keeping mum (not wanting to make things worse), reprimand the person who was mean/rude towards you, rebutt the person who criticizes your ideas etc...
But I believe that the one who doesn't pick a fight and is able to hold it in and see the wider picture is always the BIGGER person at heart and mind.
Nevertheless, it's not wrong to speak your mind sometimes (especially when you know you're right). Some people need to know that you're not someone to mess about with.
Don't let these things get to you. You have great friends around who adore you :)
Thanks Jacz. Your words are wise indeed. Spoken like a true Phd-er. Hehe. Congrats Dr. Long! So happy and proud of you. :)
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