Not Just Another Pretty Face

2012: Paper Faces on Parade No More

2012-01-23T18:40:00.006+08:00

"Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!
Masquerade! Hide your face so the world will never find you..."

I had to sit myself down to write this post of reflection on the year that was as I knew if I didn't I would never get around to it. What better time when you have some spare time on hand? *gasp* Free time during Chinese New Year?! Now that to me sounds like the oxymoron of my entire life. I have never been a big fan of CNY, daresay, I never will, for which I have many valid reasons that I shall not delve into in this post.

This post is not to crow about the amazingly zen CNY I am having this year (change is good, embrace it), OK just a little, *smirk* - you poor, poor souls stuck in traffic jams and crazily packed eating places in the horrendously sweltering weather- but it is to reflect. Why is it that it seems people only reflect on New Years as I for one have spent a lot of my 2011 reflecting. Perhaps, I am naturally reflective. Shades anyone?

To cut to the chase- 2011: sucky or succulent? To put it plainly but surely, it sucked. Big time.

Chockfull of changes- death, weddings of the closest people in my life, huge arguements with my mother, elaborate lies and manipulation: meeting the biggest loser (and I'm not talking about weight nor am I dramatizing) I have ever met, managing renovations and moving house almost all by myself, making the decision to quit a job and starting over in a different field of work. Turning 30 could never have been more painfully chaotic I think. I am amazed at myself when I look back and now that I am here, living and breathing quite happily and cheerfully on the other side, I guess I can easily say that I had to go through what I did for many reasons.

Most important of which I think is to truly prove to myself once and for all that I am strong and brave, someone who doesn't break easily and faces things and change with lots of resilience. No matter what people want to tell me because they just simply cannot accept that it is their own shortcomings for failure, I will have this self assurance. They are the cowards and losers, not me. People who truly love me will only support me when I need them- not put me down or brush me off.

I also realized that sometimes, despite my stubborn belief that through dogged determination and perseverance, you can achieve almost anything- there are situations when you are losing a part of yourself that you love, the best thing for yourself, is to walk away although it hurts and never ever look back.

I made many choices the past year where I think not many people agreed or understood what I chose at that point of time, but I realized I did it because I innately knew it was what was best for me. I think moving into my own place helped a lot with that. It gave me space to be my own person. It got rid of the incessant "noise" and "clutter" and allowed me to settle my own inner turmoil they way I needed to. For that, I am thankful. It is truly the best thing I ever did for myself.

In a way, because of the bad year, I see things so much clearer now. I see people with their masks on, acting on the stage that is life, and I know that truly all that glitters is not gold. Whatever mask is it that you put on to show the world or hide behind be it practiced charisma, religious piety, success at work/home/marriage or lots of makeup and beautiful clothes to name a few, if you are a pile of stinky steamy shit behind the pretty facade, you will be found out, rest assured. It is only a matter of time.

On that note, for 2012, I want to strive to be true to myself and be more sincere to others. I will not downplay my successes because I think it makes others feel bad, nor will I flaunt it. I will not simply do something that only makes others happy, when it makes me feel bad. And I will try not to hide behind any masks.

Here's wishing Gong Hey Fatt Choy- Happiness, Health and Prosperity to all my loved ones. May this year be a genuinely great one for all of us.

Happy New Year: "I'm Happy"

2012-01-12T02:46:00.001+08:00

Too good not to share :) Dedicated to all the "pretty stupid" people out there.

The best thing I never knew I never had

2011-12-25T00:28:00.006+08:00

Before I met you, I thought my life was already pretty awesome. I had everything going for me and I lived each day with much love, joy and laughter.

But one beautiful day, as naturally as if it were pre-ordained in the books of creation, I met you and after a brief period of hesitation and deliberation, I took the plunge one sunny December's day and as I hoped you would, you caught me safely and securely in your arms.

Amidst the flurry of butterflies in my stomach and notional fireworks, together, we started on our Journey of Love.

Now, albeit the brief period of time we have spent together and cheesy as it may sound, I can't imagine my life without you.

You amaze me everyday. You fulfill needs that I never knew I had. You charm me in ways I never knew I could be touched and delighted by. Every morning, when I leave you behind in bed after our night of tender touching, I have to tear myself away and I wish with every fibre of my being that I didn't have to leave you behind.

You truly showed me that life is beautiful and with the dawn of every morning, there is only more of you, and by juxtoposition- others out there- simply waiting to be discovered.

Ah, the tittilation of my senses anew: my fingers tingle in anticipation of the potential.

Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever. *heart* Merry Christmas everyone! =)

But above all, I wish you love

2011-12-16T13:50:00.003+08:00

Joy, Happiness & Love

Having finished watching for the 2nd time around, Gilmore Girls (All 7 seasons!)- which in my opinion is one of the best TV series ever made- I just wanted to share one of my favourite scenes from the movie.

I will always love you- one of the greatest songs ever written. Beautiful in its simplicity.

I also loved Whitney Houston's version in The Bodyguard.

Since it's close to Christmas, with the atmosphere of giving in the air, I 'd like to wish everyone love, of the pure and unsullied kind.

Older but not wiser?

2011-12-12T00:39:00.004+08:00

Silly as it may sound, but the twisty root of my wisdom tooth (pictured above) reminds me of those you find on beansprouts.

The dentist said it was unusual for teeth to have a root like mine (oh ye convoluted tooth!) and asked me if I wanted to bring it home and I said "yes" because I wanted to leave it under my pillow for the tooth fairy to find and leave me a dollar in return. LOL.

Incidentally, the root broke in my gum because the dentist couldn't see its unsual shape from the X-ray, and she had to do some extra procedure to extract the chipped root. The whole process really sounds more painful than it actually was.

I think I've come very far from being the little kid who was so, so afraid of the dentist and many other things.

Here's to being stronger and wiser, although sans wisdom tooth ;)

My killer heels

2011-12-07T10:15:00.001+08:00

New shoes make me happy *heart*

Living life vicariously

2011-11-25T21:09:00.049+08:00

If you don't know what you want the saving grace is that at least you know what you don't want, or so I think.

I pity those who seem to know what they want, but in actuality are just incredibly selfish narcissists petulantly unwilling to grow the hell up.

I know what I don't want: so I always make sure to throw out the trash.

Comme ci comme ca. But it will only get better.

Blue

2011-11-13T22:37:00.004+08:00

<3 Always

To infinity and the clear blue sea

Clifts of Uluwatu

OPI Shatter in Turquoise *heart*

Because I love you

Edit: 14-Nov is World Diabetes Day. Blue is the colour of Diabetes Awareness.

Love yourself. Exercise & Indulge only occasionally ;)

We try

2011-10-30T01:15:00.007+08:00

Every muscle inside my body screams out in utter pain- reflected in my contorted up face.

I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die

With each pedal, each rep of crunches, at the XXth push up, what just keeps me sane and keeps me going is the knowledge that this incredible pain will soon be over. I know I will survive (despite the morbid thoughts) and float in the high afterwards.
And sure enough -cool down- and the words of the track wash over me blissfully, a potent combination with the happy hormones.

"I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat out of my untrimmed chest, I believe in you, like a virgin you're Madonna and I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind..."

Ever the same...but things still change

2011-10-20T01:08:00.007+08:00

In the midst of compiling some songs for my best friend's wedding, I realized as I combed through my collection of music, that it was such an eclectic, random mix of influences from the people I have or had in my life. People I love, have loved, have lost, have hurt. Been hurt by. Will always be fond of or close to.

For just a while as I played many familiar tunes, I dwelled on the memories that were associated with the specific song that was playing. Moments in a particular time, that had meant the world to me or I wanted to forget forever. Funny isn't it, how songs can make you recall poignantly.

But the melody of life stops for no one, no matter how much they wish.

How much I wished the lyrics would stop at the best of times, and yet I still stupidly, impossibly hope.

*I dedicate this song and post to you. I wish with all my heart things will be fine for you soon.*

"Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me, tell me everything you want me to be

"I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

"You're no burden, I assure, You tide me over"

Testing Blogger App

2011-10-06T00:07:00.001+08:00

Listening to:
Skylar Grey's Love the way you lie on repeat

Location:
At home on my comfy couch

Last read:
Whasapp message.

Last ate:
Orange

Last person spoken to:
OPL

Okay this is a random nonsense post. I just wanted to test the Blogger iPhone app. Lol.

Kthxbai

Oh saw the most bee-yoo-ti-fool complete rainbow today after work. Stopped my car to take some photos in the drizzle. It was worth it coz it made me happy. Rainbows are one of my favourite things. <3

A simple little place called home

2011-09-30T01:17:00.007+08:00

Living room. *heart*

With only 3 months to go until the end of the year, I think I may safely declare that the best thing I did this year was to move into my own place.

This is actually a long overdue post as I physically moved a couple of months ago but honestly, I have only really settled in the past week or so when finally, the last touch ups and renovations were complete and I finally got my high-speed Internet up and running. I'm still missing tables (I don't have a single table, be it writing, dining, coffee or ornamental) and some other furniture, curtains and knicks and knacks for the rooms but more or less the place is comfortably habitable.

My T&Co inspired blue shoe cabinet. This photo does not do it justice! :) Yes these are ALL MY SHOES! Finally I have enough space to store them all.

It hasn't been an easy process and it has tested every ounce of my strength physically, mentally and emotionally throughout these past 5 months or so. Groping in the dark on things alien to me, fear of being cheated and trying to create a place that was very me and that I would really look forward coming home to every day but at the same time not cost me an arm, a leg and a heart in the process certainly took its toll on me and there were occasions I felt very streched, overwhelmed and spent.

Was it the most difficult thing I did this year? Honestly, among the hardest and I've had to do many difficult things this year.

Was it worth the trouble? Certainly yes. Nothing worth it is ever easy I think. And as I sit here in my living room on my couch, writing this post on my laptop in the quietly cool atmosphere with soft, muted lighting, I feel incredibly at peace. This is truly a place to call my own. I personally chose every single piece of furnishing, tile, colour of paint, cabinet material and colour, placement of electrical & lighting points & electrical appliance in my home. It is not perfect but I think I captured the essence of what I wanted.

And in my little haven, I am my own person. It is all about me and what I need and want.

Joyously, I find my serenity.

Master bathroom with lotsa space for my beauty & personal care odds and ends and my kitchen, still not used to it's fullest potential yet thus far ;)

Dirty Little Secrets

2011-08-16T14:26:00.003+08:00

Has it already been two weeks since I shut the door?

Time seems flighty and stretchy, like the web of spiders, or the illusion of it, seems to be. A fly trapped in a spider’s web, I imagine if I could talk to flies, would tell you that it is a trap spun to deceive when in reality, like the web of deceit, it is a lot less delicate and a lot more sordid. And always, a very calculated measure.

It could have been two hours or two months. Does time really matter? In the unreal haze of hurt, not looking back for any trace of guilt? regret? relief?, a little voice that is the very core of strength in me which I never knew I possessed told me with dire irony, that the wonderful news was that: I was alone. The only person I had to care about was me. The walk I walked was lonely but with my head unbowed.

I may never know the whys and whats or discern the reality from the illusions but with time, one day it will not matter to me anymore.

As for now, I wish to set myself free of all the dirty little secrets- the burden is not mine to carry.

Isn't it ironic

2011-07-06T00:29:00.001+08:00

On days like these I wonder why life is full of irony, to me at least.

It hurts to my very core and makes me incredibly sad, why it seems as though there is always something lacking, that I am the one always waiting, always putting my life on hold, always taking into account others interest and feelings, potentially neglecting things that could be important to me in a future with or without.

It pains me and I really don't understand why the ones by your side and are always there for you, are not the ones who are in your heart of hearts, though they are very close indeed. I truly wish it could be, but alas, it is to be a twisted joke of irony.

Chances are...you're the best that I've ever met

2011-06-01T15:15:00.000+08:00

From Me to You

Chances Are
Vonda Shepard & Robert Downey Jr

Chances are you'll find me
Somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always end up driving by
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don't apply

I long to see you in the night
Be with you 'till morning light

I remember clearly how you looked
The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace, your style

And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me

Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have

You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best, I've ever met

And I'll be dreaming of the future
And hoping you'll be by my side
And in the morning I'll be longing
For the night, for the night

Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have

You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best I've ever met

The end is the beginning is the end

2011-05-04T18:30:00.003+08:00

Taman Shatin, Ipoh 1-May-2011

"Is it bright where you are, have the people changed?" -Smashing Pumpkins-

As I write this, I hope with all sincerity that you are in a better place- free of your suffering, free of the agonizing pain, free of the awful indignities that have trapped you for the last months of your life.

I imagine you in a place of lightness and serenity where you walk tall and strong amidst the gentle sloping mountains and the crystal clear lakes, immortalized in the way that I have known you all my life and, I picture you with a gentle smile on your face as you calmly gaze upon the peaceful scene and the capricious breeze ruffles your hair that is always neatly combed and always will be forever more.

No one can begin to fathom how terrible it must have been and you must have wondered many times, what you did wrong to deserve the shorter end of the stick. I am sorry that you had to suffer and I could not help you more.

Although losing you is heartbreaking to us, I would like you to know, if you don't already that I find myself encouraged and strengthened by the positive impact your demise has had on us who have yet to cross to the other side. We are reminded of what truly matters in life- that life is short and unpredictable and that you should truly cherish the people around you who matter the most to you as you never know when is the last time you will ever see them, laugh with them or hold them close. Cliched you may say, but such are life's stark realities.

I see forgiveness, I see generosity in spirit, time, energy and money, I see sincerity and quiet strength in the people closest to you and me. We should remember that we should not be afraid to trouble family in times of need. For that, I am thankful you have opened our eyes anew and for all your suffering, you have imparted upon us a priceless gift and lesson that I hope everyone close to us will take to heart and live life differently from before- a new beginning for our family.

And even as I mourn your end, I find myself experiencing the new beginning of a blissful kind of buoyant, uplifting happiness- the kind that is dangerous- because in a flip and cruel twist of fate, it would be horribly painful to lose. What's that people say about love and hate- that they are on the different sides of the same coin?

Wherever you are my kow foo, I hope it is bright.

Being happy right here, right now

2011-03-28T18:15:00.007+08:00

Random slices of happiness from top left clockwise 1) Creme Brulee- one of my favourite desserts- been craving for a good one for months! This one was decadent and worth it's weight in fat! 2) Fresh scallops on rice with ebiko, a serendipitous discovery ;) 3) Celebration with some of the favourite people in my life 4) Organic Jasmine green tea, almond biscuits and almond body scrub- stuff guaranteed to cheer me up, all purchased on the same day, and coincidentally in various hues of green

Recently I met someone who told me that to be happy, you had to live in the moment, in the sense that you really savoured each and every tiny morsel of that slice of time, to taste the full-bodied flavour of each serving through every sense that is humanly available to us- smell, touch, taste, sight and sound.

If at each point of time, we could successfully do that, we could be truly happy all the time and because that happiness comes from within ourselves, we would not have expectations on others to make us happy and be dissappointed and sad when they fail us time and again.

The idea although simple and not particularly novel, made sense to me as it has occured to me on many occasions that the reason why I find happiness to be fleeting is because I spent time worrying about what I should have done and what I should do, rather than enjoying the time that I am happy. To train my mind to that level of discipline and not for it to stray and wonder along the idle but very damaging "coulda shoulda woulda" train of thought is the hardest challenge for me I think.

Since today is a pivotal coming of age milestone for me of turning 30, I'd like to consciously take a teensy weensy baby step towards that state of peaceful bliss for my own sake- as a gift to myself.

As I write this, I am happy, and I'm savouring the perfect uniqueness of the moment.

Soy, un perdedor

2011-02-28T22:12:00.008+08:00

"I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?"

I came across this song in an episode of Glee and loved it, mostly for the lyrics, the nonchalant defiance and irony in the words.

Some of my favourite verses:

In time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey
Butane in my veins, so I'm out to cut the junkie

Someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt

Slap the turkey neck and its hanging from a pigeon wing
You can't write if you can't relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax, fallin' on a termite
That's chokin on the splinters

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

I believe there's a loser in everyone of us, that everyone is prone to loser-ish behavior at times alone or among the people whom you know could accept you for who you are, loser-ish behavior and all.

Inspired by this song, for those that can't accept the loser me, I suppose why don't you just kill me?

6375 puppets on a broken string

2011-02-12T00:10:00.007+08:00

If I were to sum up my Chinese New Year 2011 succintly, it would be "exceedingly exhausting" multiplied a thousand-fold over.

Physically drained and emotionally weighed down after the prolonged break, I arrived back in KL longing for another week or at least a day to recuperate.

The few closest to me would know the ordeal I had to endure and understand I have tried my utter best, that I have given it my best shot and yet pleased no one, and instead made myself the unhappiest.

The less kindred people who don't understand or care to understand will tell me things like "let go of small things" or "snap out of it." Just like how most people judged the recent cases of teenage suicide over failed relationships: "dramatizing small things", "in life there is always rejection, why do you have to kill yourself over it?"

Yes, killing yourself over someone who wasn't worth another precious second of your time is is certainly going overboard. But what I don't understand is that why the majority of people couldn't see how tragic it was that these teenagers have tried reaching out, have been crying out for attention- over Facebook, to their friends and family, who should love them, just brushed them aside and not sparing some time to actually listen to them, to see that they are not only physically but also emotionally healthy as well.

It sickens me how love or the idea of love can be so incredibly warped. At this juncture, if I ever have children (which I'm not even sure I want to have or if I even want to get married), I hope I will not impose upon them the incredibly exacting moral obligations that have been imposed upon me. I hope they never feel the guilt and fear for each and every of their actions that few if any will understand. I hope they will never be afraid to voice out their opinions. I hope they never find home a place where they cannot be themselves, where they are insecure and rightly doubt that they will be loved for just the person that they are. I hope they never find themselves feeling that there is little left for them at home.

I think the world passes judgement enough. To not have a place where you could just go and be loved unconditionally really gets to me. Please do not lecture me about going to God. You are free to believe what you want, but I can NEVER stand you imposing it upon me and the very thought sickens me and makes me want to vomit.

The God I know does not promise to love me unconditionally although I know certainly God is watching over me. I had a very funny demonstration of God's power in a temple this CNY. I like to think that it's my "reward" and validation for sticking to what I sincerely believed in despite what I had gone through last year. And I hope people will stop imposing their believes on others and open their freakingly narrow minds.

Increasingly, I feel listless and empty when I go home to Ipoh. The mindless gatherings with stupid gossipy people who only want to feel better about themselves by putting you down. I would have loved to tell you to your face that your life is freaking boring - married with a guy introduced to you by your parents and 3 months pregnant and yes, you are fat you overweight cow, it's NOT the camera angle!- and I don't envy your life in the slightest but I am just too nice and polite to tell you to your face. It is perfectly fine with me if you want to be boring and stuck in a small town, but what I cannot stand is why such a boring person like you, needs to be gossipy and cruel? I mean, criticizing people's wedding photos behind their back, in front of other friends? I guess you have to, since what do you have that is so special in your life?

But thank God, there are also incredibly down to earth people at these gatherings (I am glad!) I am genuinely happy for and sincerely happy to meet. People I wouldn't mind meeting up on a more intimate basis. I'm so glad one of them is coming down to KL. Kindred spirits are far and few in between and I cherish every one of them dearly.

And it was a joy playing with and hugging my little cousins and seeing how happy, carefree and confident they are. I don't think I was ever like that at their age. To me, it symbolizes that there is another way to raise children. To raise them to take life and themselves a little less seriously, and to teach them how they should respect other's opinions and believes, and what sincerity means, as well as responsibility, perseverance and commitment to things that matter to them.

Not to just grow up to be the gossipy pitiable bitches at annual gatherings or the narcissistic masses who spend lots of time uploading scores of stupid photos of such gatherings and the likes on Facebook and thinking that doing so is worth their time in gold!

Oh, I use Facebook too, I know how easy it is to spin illusions too if you want.

Happy Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fatt Chai!

Here's to making changes where changes are long overdue.

Two for Tea: Food for the soul

2011-01-09T17:42:00.012+08:00

Afternoon Tea on a Friday afternoon at Delicious, Bangsar Village
Top tier- Strawberries on a stick for the chocolate fondue in the tiny pot on the 2nd tier, Chocolate truffles peeking out from behind the strawberries, Strawberry Cheesecake
2nd tier- Scones, clotted cream (OMG, I never had it before prior to this), blueberry jam, mini chocolate fondue pot, cheese and rosemary cookies
3rd tier- Cucumber, smoked salmon, roast chicken and egg mayo + caviar sandwiches, mini duck confit pastry peeking out behind the sandwiches on left

Perfect moments like these are hard to come by. The mood was upbeat with work, worries and assorted life's challenges cast temporarily aside, the company perfect, the conversation intimate and warm, the food presented beautifully and tasting as delectable as it looked.

You can be sure I savoured every single bite of this decadent meal- I think we both did-washed down with steaming mugs of English Breakfast & Earl Grey amidst laughter and lighthearted camaraderie.

That day, both my tummy and my soul were warmed and soothed.

2011: Strength to Live, Laugh & Love

2011-01-03T21:32:00.021+08:00

My first ever Moleskine planner in Fuschia for 2011. I have been coveting one for years since I like to plan my year (cause I really dislike double booking myself) in the old-fashioned way with pen and notebook instead of keying in events into my mobile.This year, it's the first time they have it in fuschia, pocket-sized in KL and I received it as a Christmas present from a treasured friend who knew how much I wanted it and was on a waiting list at Czip Lee :) Trivia, did you know all Moleskines have a pocket in their back covers?

When I look back on my 2010 New Year post, at that point of time I had hoped that 2010 would be a year filled with light, although the cynical part of me doubted that happiness could ever be a constant.

Nevertheless, despite all my doubts and cynicism, there was a lingering hope that the child and romantic in me would not let me completely let go off, that I would prove my cynical self wrong and the year would truly be bright, cheerful and I would be for the most part, secure and warm in its tender embrace.

Well, if I haven't already told you personally or you haven't already guessed from my less than stellar posts of late, the last quarter of 2010 were most horrible months for me. They were filled with heartache after heartache and one bad news and event after the other. For a while, it was easy for me to simply declare that, "The whole of 2010 was horrible!" It's warped isn't it, how when things are going badly, we tend to forget what was once wonderful and real and just blatantly declare "we were never ever happy right from the start!" and just give up on things altogether.

In a concious effort to be less of a hypocritical dumbass than the average fair-weather-only Tom, Dick and Harry out there, in a more just reflection, 2010 was indeed a year that was filled with much light and lightness.

I loved wholeheartedly without considering the calculated risks involved which I still believe it's the way it should be. I made new and good friends, I travelled to interesting places, I'm fitter than I have ever been in my life; I completed two 10 km runs, I laughed bucketloads and I always prioritized quality time for people whom I loved the most and are the most important and cherished in my life. I also received some crumbs of praise (which is doled out Oliver Twist-sque meagerly, so crumbs are plenty, believe me!) at work, I got a rocking new hairstyle that I love and have been waiting forever for my hair to be long enough to pull off and lastly but indeed not the least, I bought my OWN PLACE- on my own!

On the flipside also (and there always is one) I have also lost much hope and faith, I have cried bucketloads, I harbour simmering resentment and bitter jadedness, I hated, I hurted, still hurt, I longed for petty revenge, I was threw off balance and floundered at things before unbeknowst to me, I wallowed in insecure, insomnia-causing depression and thought that life was really, really difficult and unfair for me.

But despite it all I survived, I lived on with my own personal values and convictions intact, if not even stronger than ever before. Sometimes all it takes it's giving it time, patience and lots and lots of unwavering, unconditional care. I may be bruised and battered inside, but since it's the new year, it's time to be healed and look forward to better things and people that are deserving of me, my time and efforts.

At this juncture, I would like to share with you all some of my favourite verses from a poem titled Invictus (Latin for Uncounquarable) written by the English poet William Ernest Henley whose passionate words resonated deep within me. I came across the poem from the inspiring movie of the same name that I watched on New Years Day 2011:

"...I thank whatever gods may be
For my uncounquerable soul

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed

...I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

Though I can't honestly hope to not wince or cry out loud this year (for I surely will), but my hope is that in 2011, I want to live, laugh, love and through it all to strive to be unconquarable with an indomitable body, mind, spirit and soul.

Clockwise L-R: 1) Christmas deco at the office reception with reindeers that glow in blue 2) Mini Tolberone and card from a thoughtful colleague 3) Xmas bear at Takashimaya, Singapore reminding me to Live, Laugh Love- it's the store's Christmas 2010 theme I think- certainly strikes a chord with me! 4) Live, Laugh, Love pendant and necklace (Funnily, I was eyeing this necklace even before I went to Singapore, it has got to be more than a mere coincidence :) 5) Xmas presents from my beloved friends 6) Shot of street taken outside Takshimaya, Singapore

It was snowing in Malaysia on X'mas

2010-12-26T23:41:00.023+08:00

Pavillion, KL 25-Dec-2010

I've always loved Christmas time of the year, if only for my own, frivolous superficial reasons.

As a child, I remember begging my mother for a Christmas tree at home, to which I never got one, but I think she was only being practical as the reasons for me wanting a tree ran along the lines that I thought the presents on display at the supermarket came along with the plastic tree and that it would be fun to hang ornaments on the Christmas tree to decorate it as the families in books and movies did.

I also remember writing a list to Santa on things I wanted, with a half-baked notion to post them to him in the North Pole. I don't even remember what I asked for anymore.

As I grew older, I think what I loved most this time of the year was how pretty it was during Christmas- the malls & cafes would be transformed and decked in all their glittering, colourful and fanciful glory with cheerful Christmas carols playing overhead. I swear in the week leading up to Christmas, there was always one carol or another playing silently in my head throughout the day as I went about my daily life. I dreamt of a white christmas, just like the ones I never knew while I drove to buy some bread. I promised myself that this year I'd give It to someone special since last year I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away, as I scanned my work documents. I thought about Rudolph's glowing reindeer nose as I brushed my teeth.

Anyway, I will always remember Christmas 2010 as it was the day I was at Pavillion and saw it snowing as I stepped out of one of the restaurants on the top floor. Watching the white flakes fall silently from the sky behind the glass walls of the mall, I closed my eyes for a moment and imagined myself standing in a chilly snowy street someplace far, far away in the dead of winter. It really was a magical moment, even more so because I didn't expect to witness the pretty sight.

The thought that was running through my head as I reached my hand towards the sky to try to catch the white stuff falling from above was that, if they could make it snow in Malaysia, anything was possible. The sky was the limit. There was hope for me, for all of Humankind. *cue for the sappiest cheesiest inspirational music*

Cheesiness aside, I think at the very least, some semblance of cheer seeped into my heart to temporarily nullify the sadness, dissappointment, anger and hurt at the hypocrisy, the selfishness, injustices and dreams unfulfilled, even more heartwrenching is the lack of any real effort put in to fulfill the promises. It's not that I don't want to let it all go, mind you but it's not so easy as dropping a bag of stones and saying, goodbye, fare thee well. I wish you the best and nicest life has to offer you and I will be fine and dandy, thank you so very much for asking.

I suppose the more cynical and scientific of you are dying to point out that a) it was not even real snow, it was some kind of tacky foamy substance b) technically, the stuff did not fall from the sky, it fell from the foam generating machine near the roof of the mall c) it's just another commercialized aspect of Christmas to draw more shoppers to the mall

I know commercialization has a hollow ring to it sometimes, but yesterday, it made my day and it touched me for some reason. It touched me enough for me to write this post. Perhaps it's always been my whimsical wish that it would snow in Malaysia, and I really never thought it would come true, but yesterday, it did.

It was all the more special because for me dreams have rarely if ever come true.

Revelation 3:20

2010-11-23T15:20:00.005+08:00

A Manly Meal. LOL

In stark contrast to my post, pictured above is a fat-laden but very yummy meal- look at the heavenly glisten on the juicy sausages and the generous heap of sauerkraut- at Brotzeit, MidValley.I washed this all down with some top-notch German beer. Price-wise, it is quite steep but well worth it for those once in a while moments when only quality sausages, premium beer and a treasured friend will hit the spot :)

A thousand and two hundred jumping jacks, a couple of hundred sit ups, 3 x 20 reps of triceps curls and shoulder exercises later, it dawns on me that man, there are so many guys at the gym!!!! Should I invite them to come in and eat with me? ;)

Reflections of weeks gone by

2010-11-13T01:42:00.016+08:00

"Gotta have something to keep us together..."

It's been a while since I wrote anything in my blog. Many a time in the past weeks, I have thought to myself, I want to capture this moment in writing, to express in words the very essence of this deep, complex feeling in my chest in hope to distill it to simplicity but I guess I was just too exhausted mentally and physically to write anything or to sort through my thoughts.

But tonight, I decided I needed to write.

It seems so much has changed in my life between September and now, and yet paradoxically, who I am innately, remains unchanged. My soul is a little more battered than usual, my heart is weighed down with much dissappointment, resentment and anger but when I look back in my currently more rationale frame of mind on things I have written on my feelings and thoughts in the past weeks- I realized I nod at every word I read. It may sound stupid (since it's myself I'm agreeing with...like duh!), but what i mean is that I agree with what I thought then, even now. Every word I wrote in my haze of emotions, was lucid and very much what I truly felt. And Friday is still my favourite day of the week.

To me, this shows that in my own way, I remain true to myself which is something so very important to me. It matters to me that I am real especially to the people I love the most. I am me. I am not a fake version of myself, or manipulating someone to think of me in a better way and pushing the blame to them or blaming circumstance or worst, differences in character. I take responsibility for my failures. Sometimes even more than my fair share of responsibility.

But through all the hurt and the pain, it's ironic that I am actually reminded of all the wonderful things in my life, especially all the people who love and care for me so much for who I am. Perhaps I didn't expect that I was so deserving of all the love showered upon me, I didnt expect it and I am truly touched.

I am awakened to remember anew that there are many people who actually enjoy my company, are willing to spend money on me, who believe that what we have been through is worth cherishing, that on short notice or sometimes no notice at all, are happy to spend their precious time with me, just me, nobody else and expect nothing in return. There are people who are willing to change their schedules to accomodate mine and have nothing but the utmost respect for my time. If I feel the need to talk to someone at 2am if I'm feeling down or scared, I know people I can call. I know my call will always be answered and I could talk, sometimes even about nothing or bimbo things like I really, really feel FAT, and they would still listen patiently albeit sleepily. I guess I am truly blessed in that sense, because who needs a gazillion friends, when there are a few cherished people you know you can truly count on in times of need? So I thank sincerely thank God for that. Maybe I need to offer some nice juicy chicken on the altar soon or perhaps some expensive Godiva chocolate, the Food of the Gods. LOL. But I jest.

I know I would do the same for my loved ones, have done the same in certain instances for all these people that I will not mention in name here but I am sure that you know who you are. Thanks so much again.

It matters to me so much that my loved ones are happy. And I'm so glad that making sure I am happy is important to them too and that I am worth their efforts.

Love, love: it's what keeps us together.

Let me be your shelter from the storm

2010-09-19T01:43:00.004+08:00

Tonight I search within myself for an answer to a question or questions I'm not even sure what they are. The feeling of dread and fear. Of an unknown entity grips me and makes me fretfully awake.

I wish the fear and to an extent, the sadness and uncertainty swirling inside me could be easily soothed. I really hate to be a burden to anyone. To take up people's precious time that they could be doing more productive things. To be able to do more productive things with my time. I wish to get a grip on things and be able to sleep things over. To leave things to a higher power. It's not for a lack of trying. But that does not in anyway make me feel "better" as it should.

I feel burdened sometimes that when I am home, I don't truly feel at home. It saddens me. I wished I could feel at home. It seems like I have no true home sometimes. A home in name but I remain a fake me. When and where can I truly just be me and be loved, if not just accepted for that? No questions asked. No demands- fair or unfair- made, spoken or unspoken. And yet, I feel guilty. That perhaps my home in name would one day not be there. And I would regret not being there in my entity from the very beginning.

At times like these, I do think, where and how would I feel comforted. Perhaps it's the most painful of all that, I don't think there would be a place I could go or be that I could feel like im the truest version of myself without having to be fake and compromise or take care of people's feelings or happiness of their being.

It's like there are many versions of me, many people know many versions of me and neither of them is truly me.

I think It sometimes would be nice to go somewhere, where no one knows you and just blend into the anonymity of the place. It would be peaceful and calm and serene.

A little under the weather...

2010-06-23T13:20:00.007+08:00

Down with sorethroat and flu :( Hope I recover before Sunday which is the day of the 10km Standard Charted Run I'm participating in this year. Had some Redoxon Vitamin C Blackcurrent Flavoured Effervescent Drink in the office yesterday. I took the above photo with my iPhone because it struck me that the purple colour of the drink matched the colour of my pink mug. Haha.The cute hugging creatures on the mug are Moomins, a Swedish/ Finnish cartoon. The mug was a gift from an ex-colleague. I've never read or watched any of the books or cartoons though. Probably it's possible to find the cartoons on YouTube I think.

Disjointment. Detachment.

2010-06-22T13:42:00.020+08:00

Lone flower, pix taken along the hike to Chilling Falls, January 2010

In isolation, standing on my remote tiny island somewhere in the Pacific, I look out to the cyan ocean with pretty waves, flecked in caps of frothy white. Hazily, I'm aware of the flurry of people, voices, modern mechanical sounds like the stupid, grating, incessant ringing of the telephone, but I seem to have stumbled upon the warm protective white-sanded void to which to retreat to when things threaten to be overwhelming.

I hate making choices, having too many is terribly draining and like a pendulum, a swing bar, I am frozen into indecision, unable to come to come to a consensus within myself. Endless possibilities, I wonder, should they be invigorating or immobilizing.

I am daunted, stuck in the worry of being the last to finish the race or not finishing at all due to my own wishy-washiness and fear of commitment. Is the journey about finishing or fulfillment? Even as I ponder this and search for the answers, the expectations and judgement of more decisive people, make me mad. Lividly so. Moodiness, terseness and one worded replies, rather than an explosion of torrid emotions, as I retreat into the protective void where it is me, and me alone where there is no need for the chore of Making Choices.

Sometimes I feel blessed are those who have no choice. This phrase is often uttered with negative connotations accompanied by a slump of the shoulders and a defeatist attitude. But what is so bad about having no choice? Making the best of your no choice, seeing the possibilities that your no choice option (is that a contradiction in itself?) would offer to you? Life could be simpler, you know. But even as I write this, I know, it's oversimplying matters, because even as you adhere to your no choice, it would lead you to more choices?

In this island of neither here nor there, my words seem to float in a place of zero gravity. The words that my mouth speaks are heard but are not listened to. Pegnant pauses dissipate to empty nothingness. Perhaps vast spaces of silences are better than thoughtless replies uttered to fill the silences and cruel sacrastic remarks that pains me more than shown. The words and remarks that swirl in the void does not fill it in any way. Barren and stark, it remains.

So yes, everyone has their own boat to row and rock and yes, many are blessed with more smarts, earn more, are more spiritually in touch, am more decisive and less emotional than me. Semblance of morals and a weath of useless trivia which is the best that I am useful for, but I suppose, upon reflection, is knowledge all the same. Who is to say, one is more useful than the other? And the path has to be big enough for me too.

So me, that's who I am, I repeat a thousand times over, like a prayer, until I am hoarse in my all alone quiet haven.

Pink Martini served in chilled champagne flutes garnished with a mini umbrella, that's all there is here. No tricky choices to make. No chance for anyone to tell you that you have made the "wrong" or "foolish" choice. Because there is only One.

I lay back, take a long sip and the cool liquid soothes my ulcered mouth and parched throat. The surprising warmth of the cool, sweet nectar spreads in me and touches my very core.

My heart, it tells me that even if I had a choice, I would choose the same no choice.

Blue rice, Apple phones & plumes of ash

2010-04-20T19:35:00.029+08:00

Blue nasi (rice), colouring traditionally obtained from a flower or maybe articifial nowdays.

Ayam percik (roasted chicken smothered with coconut gravy)

Other condiments consist of hard boiled salted egg, kerisik (roasted dessicated coconut) and Malay salad- raw bean sprouts & other finely sliced green vegs & some salted limes.

Hi! I'm writing this from Kota Bahru.

The above photo was my delicious dinner, which I took with my new iPhone *heart*. It's from a place in KB town called Yati ayam percik. They even have a Facebook fan page!

Close friends of mine would testify as to how much I don't like Malay food, and would probably be surprised I actually liked this, but honestly from the buttom of my heart, this place is good! The food is fresh, clean and not expensive. My meal cost me only RM 6.40.

If you're in KB, maybe you could drop by this place.

At the same time where I thank God for life's simple pleasures, I also want to wonder out loud: when is Iceland's volcano going to stop spewing ash so that normal air travel to Europe can resume?

Living it up a little more everyday

2010-03-28T23:53:00.014+08:00

Sinful Chocolate Ice Cream Cake@ Lookout Point, KL

Today marks the start of the last year I can truthfully call myself a twenty-something.

This is the penultimate year before I turn the big 3-0, which is supposed to be a significant milestones of earth-shattering magnitude, or at least, many people seem to think so.

I can't help but wonder why though, because turning thirty, is no different from turning twenty or twenty-five or twenty-eight is it? So why is there so much expectation placed on turning thirty? Isn't it just another candle on the birthday cake? But, I'm not quite thirty yet. Perhaps I will continue this train of thought the same time, next year.

Tonight though, as I gently tread on the threshold of twenty-nine, I sit and reflect and take stock of the past almost three decades of being me and I find it a tad unexpected how happy and at peace with myself I feel. I look back at my younger self not with a feeling of regret, or wisfulness of youth that has passed me by but instead, with a feeling of quiet self-assurance of how far I've come and an innate clarity of what I want out of life.

Perhaps some may find it a little strange, because If you were to view my life in tangible terms, I have nothing to show for it- I have no hot rich boyfriend/ husband to call my own or spoil me rotten, I don't have a trendy little studio apartment in my name, I'm driving the same car that I've driven for the past 5 years and I am no where near the pinnacle of success carreer-wise although I earn comfortably enough to be independent.

But yet, I am happier and more positive than I've ever been in my life and I actually feel blessed, perhaps because it's dawned on me that its the impalpable that can never be stolen from you. I've suddenly learnt to take most things in stride and unfazedly strive to change the things I can and truly accept the things that I have no control over. Oh and, at the same time not forgeting to, live, breath and appreciate life in itself and how good it has been to me- by giving me a great family and wonderful friends that I can always count on to be there for me.

If there is any tiny drop of regret that I have, it would be that I wished I could tell my younger self what I know now, to spare myself some of the costly mistakes, heartache and tears.

But then again, if I hadn't gone through what I did, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today.

So, on this note, I start the year with much positivity and hope and a reminder to myself to continue to love, laugh, learn..and most importantly, live.

Tootsie trivia

2010-03-21T22:59:00.010+08:00

Received this email from my friend last week:

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

Bet you tried it. Haha. Go figure, about hand-foot coordination.

OK, this is a nonesensical post. I actually just wanted to show off my bright, shiny fuschia pedicure I just got done today. It certainly cheers me out of my pre-Monday night blues- looking at my toes and wriggling them while I'm typing this post. :D

Have a good week ahead everyone!

Pushing my boundaries

2010-02-24T23:25:00.013+08:00

You know that awful cramp in the side you sometimes get when you're running too fast?

I was on the threadmill in the Gym on Monday pushing myself to burn those damned CNY pineapple tarts (they were delicious!) and after 15 minutes of full out running, I had a naggy pain in my side which usually would be the point where I reduced my running speed.

But that day, I was fuelled by the past weeks relative inactivity and calorie overload, and well-rested muscles to just keep on going on and on and on and to breathe in and out to get sufficient oxygen to my muscles, until at one point, I realized I didn't feel the burning pain anymore.

It made me reflect, that sometimes when you're really in pain and hurting badly, maybe what you need to do is to take a couple of deep breaths, pop some Panadol and keep your head above water and just keep on moving forward- until you reach the threshold of No More Pain.

But the only thing is, most of the time, you can't keep at it long enough. *sigh*

So I guess the fundemental issue is, how do you persevere when it hurts?

Note: OK, I started this post in Feb & just completed it today 18-Mar-2010. I've been such a lazy blogger of late. >.< *hangs head in shame*

One word

2010-01-13T23:01:00.009+08:00

If I were to describe today in one word, it would be painful.

I asked my friend and he told me his day was fucktasticpainintheassgoddamnkillmenow.That kinda cracked me up at bit. Haha. Someone else was having a worse day than me though if such colourful vocabulary came as naturally to me as it obviously did to him, I might have described my day as fucktasticpainintheassgoodamnkillmenow as well.

So why the need for such succinct eloquence? Sigh, what else but the dreaded four-lettered word, W.O.R.K.

I shall not elaborate, but suffice to say, I'm in a deep cesspool of shit because I was honest and 'fessed up. I'm bracing myself to face the full wrath of the Gods from Heaven above tomorrow. Thunder and lightning, snowstorm or avalanche, bring it on!

Humour aside, I can't help feeling a sense of trepidation but come what may, cause at the end of the day, it's just a job.

And I count myself blessed enough to realize that what I do for a living does not solely define who I am.

2010: Let there be light

2010-01-07T21:41:00.017+08:00

Ipoh, New Year's Eve 2009

It's the first time in two weeks today where when I left work, the streetlights had not come on and I didn't need to use my car's headlamps yet.

Despite the usual jam from workplace to home, I still reached early enough that school had not yet ended.

A fact I noted because it was still bright* enough when I drove pass the school down the road from my condo to see the cars and busses lined up ready and waiting to pick the children up. From the corner of my eye, I glimpsed the unfamiliar sight of an ice cream man with his blue and red cart with Nestle emblazoned boldly in white with yummy cold confectionary in its belly for peddling to the schoolkids once the bells chimed.

Before you start pitiying or commiserating with poor overworked me, let me explain that I was on leave the whole of last week (hence no commute to work) and this week, I have been deligently pushing myself to put in at least two hours at the gym in my work building resulting in me only leaving my office in the shroud of the inky night.

That would translate into 6 classes in 3 days- 2 RPMs, 2 Body Combats, 1 Yoga and 1 Belly Dancing. I'm thinking of attending another Combat class on Friday and if I do, that will make it my record to date of 7 gym classes in a week. I must say, gyming really hard has its merits as by the end of the day, I'm really physically exhausted and it helps my insomnia a lot.

Speaking about gym, the funny thing I noted this week was that all the classes were absolutely packed! Even the normally empty 5.45pm RPM class on Tuesday saw a full house. Totally weird. It's like everyone is trying their damnest to fulfill their 2010 New Year's resolution #15678 to shed the kilos/ loose the spare tire/ fit into the expensive Size 2 Karen Millen dress by the end of January so they can put a check beside aforementioned resolution and say jubilantly, "Yippeee, I have reached my KPI for the year and hence have lived a year worth living!" Pffft, let's see how many of these eager beavers will actually still be here in July. Hur hur.

If you couldn't already tell from the snide undertone of my previous sentences, I have not made any resolutions this year. Come what may, methinks. Why force yourself to commit to a list of things you probably will not achieve by year end? It's just setting yourself up for feeling dissapointed and like you have failed. As if life alone is not enough for that.

During my recent sojourn back in Ipoh, I read my old schoolgirl diaries with my childish resolutions- lose 10kg, be more outspoken, make more friends, be more likeable (Huh??). None that I achieved in the span of one year. More like 10 years, maybe. Or maybe not even in 10 years. So, I say, to heck with New Year Resolutions! Seriously. By the way, this is my personal take on this matter. You are free as a lark to make resolutions if it works for you. Whatever makes you happy.

I also read an article today, on why do we wish each other 'Happy New Year' when surely, all of us with lucid minds funtioning at optimum capacity, under no influence of any noxious substances, would know, the year ahead could never be completely happy? As surely as we need to breath and the Sun will rise in the East, there will be grief and tears and sorrow and suffering.

Are we deluding ourselves or simply complying with tradition, or is 'Happy New Year' just another seasonal greeting, dished out automatically without much thought?

Well, my take on this is that we wish each other that because although we know that times of sadness in the coming year will be inevitable, we wish each other well. And we hope that the happiness will overshadow the sadness and that in times of sorrow, we still have each other to count on- to be the beacons of light for each other in times of deep personal darkness.

With that, I wish everyone, Happy New Year!

* Note- In Malaysia at this time of the year, it usually gets dark between 7-7.30 pm

Cryptic Text Message

2009-12-16T22:59:00.007+08:00

I think I may be the very happy owner of an I-Phone, but I can't say for sure and am trying hard not to jump for joy yet.

I await in curious anticipation.

Smells like rotten fish

2009-12-07T21:47:00.009+08:00

Today, I need to rant about XYZ (not her real name). I find her to be someone immensely distasteful. An effing prick, if only she had one.

So what, you're a doctor. I give you credit that you are confident enough to proudly tell everyone you used to practice as a GP during the introduction session. But did you have to bring it up again when we were discussing something else not related to you? "Too bad, I'm a doctor. Cheek, forehead, is totally different to me from face." To me this just reeks of boastfulness like you're so afrad that we don't know what your qualifications are. Being a doctor, does not make you a better person than any of us! We are so not beneath you, you idiot!

During lunch, the waitress missed out a third option on the menu. That does not give you the right to raise your voice at her and pull a disgruntled face. It does not give you the right to say that she has attitude problem. It does not mean the rest of us want to hear you rant about how Malaysians are too accomodating (and not so subtly imply that we, the rest, are also included) hence the lack of quality service unlike in Singapore & Hong Kong. If you love those places so much, and they are all so wonderful to you, by all means please move your fat ass over there and stay if they want you. I certainly will not miss you.

During a group discussion, with a convoluted problem to solve, you have no effing right to be so rude to tell a stranger (a mere production manager) that they look blur. And when I try to help that person, tell ME to mind my own business. Who died and left you the Iron Lady? This was where I couldn't stand it anymore and proceeded to defend myself and have a loud arguement in front of a room of strangers.

My dear doctor, not everyone will throw themselves in front of you for you to trample on and bleed in silence. After my past extremely unpleasant encouters with you, I have promised myself, I will not take it in silence anymore next time around. I will not swallow the crap you hurl my way for no good reason.

What is your problem?!! Is it the fact that you are bitter, jaded, have a thousand past dissappointments in your 30-odd years on Earth that has made you so hard, so sharp, so devoid of understanding and empathy. Even so, that is not a valid reason for lacking simple courtesy. Are you simply genetically inclined to be a sour-faced bitch?

Either way, I couldn't care less. You mean nothing to me. I just hope you will think before you speak, bridle your sharp tongue. People are always telling us introverts that they should speak out more.

This BIG MOUTH idiot should just learn when she should SHUT THE @#$% UP!

The Unfinished Story

2009-11-22T20:53:00.017+08:00

The steady staccato beat- the sound of my own typing of this post, of nimble fingers against plastic keyboard seem to me to reverberate with a sound of finiteness.

Something beautifully simple, yet convoluted with unexpectedly piercing twists and painfully surprising turns. Punctuated. Unspoken. With the closing of an old car door.

My heart knows though I cannot explain how, it has at long last culminated in an unspectacular end. The ending after the ending and yet, I still childishly cannot bring myself to say it out loud. Clinging on to the wispy vestiges of innocent hope that something if not espoused, will not be. But, to say that there still is the seed of hope, would not be true.

The 852 odd days between then and now, makes things seem such a long time ago. When in actuality much has happened but neither of us has truly moved on.

It is impossible not to think of you fondly when I write this. Of a time when the naive, untempered believe that we could always be happy together, flourished.

It is funny, what the most touching memory I have of you is. Perhaps, in retrospect, it defines us. I get hurt, I turn to you. You were always my salve, my balm in time of pain. The Mopiko for my mosquito bites, the plaster for my cuts. I was comforted but the pain was too raw, too fresh in my mind. And the scabby scars, as reminders they were too many to feel truly safe.

It dully surprises me, that it still hurts. I don't fully understand why I should still feel disappointment that nothing has changed. You have not changed but I should not expect you to.

I should not be shedding these tears.

I will wake up tomorrow and I will put on my makeup. I will go to work. I will talk to people. I will catch my flight. I will go to the gym for my favourite classes. I will meet my best friends for dinner. Over the weekend, I will go shopping at the familiar haunts. I will turn up for all my weekend appointments and even have fun in the process.

But tonight, tonight I mourn that things could not have been different. That it might have taken a longer time than most, but I could have written us a different ending, and it would come true.

So much for my happy endings.

Rubber band tales

2009-09-29T01:15:00.013+08:00

It happened for the second time today at the gym.

As usual, I was running late for my RPM class fondly dubbed by me as the "Cycle your blues away (or at least attempt to) class". I searched frantically through my laptop bagpack, my gym back, overturned all the side pockets, hidden pockets at least three times...and I couldn't find a single rubber band or anything remotely string-like to tie my hair!

Haih. For a moment I seriously considered if I should snip off the waist-ties of my office dress as a hair-tie substitute.

Ah, the woes of having long hair.

The solution? I put on the thickest skin I owned and very nicely and humbly asked another girl whose locker was next to mine if she could spare me a simple rubber band to tie my hair so I wouldn't have to be the crazy girl in the bike class with hair plastered to her back in sweat. She looked surprised, and maybe thought my request was a little strange, but she very nicely obliged. In fact, on the two occasions, (yes, I put on a thick skin on two separate occasions) the girls I asked very nicely obliged.

Hence I conclude, sometimes it pays to not bother what people think and ask for what you need.

Alrighty, that's my annecdote for the day. Time to try to get some sleep.

Insomniac

2009-09-27T02:06:00.007+08:00

Tonight is one of those nights when sleep simply cannot come to me.

My room light has been blinking in slow-mo Morse Code fashion, switched on and off by a restless me. I know not why I suffer this insomnia because I'm actually very tired especially mentally and emotionally.

I am sorry for neglecting my blog. I feel that much has happened in between my last post and now but yet, also so little. In many aspects, I think I've been walking around in circles. A question that was asked in the animated movie Coraline, struck a note with me, "How do you walk away from something, and then come towards it?" Walk around the world.
A pretty neat answer, I thought. That would explain how I seem to be right where I started all along- at the very beginning. Neither gaining nor losing. Not a bad thing, you might say. But in all honestly, I think this inertia eats at the very core of my being. Like if I ignore it long enough, one day I will wake up and I will no longer exist. Or at least, the me I am today will cease to be.

I do not know what is the point of this post. I do not also know what I can do to get myself out of this trying rut.

But the worst thing is, I'm old enough to know, nobody can help me figure this out.

MB today, maybe not tomorrow

2009-05-12T22:34:00.006+08:00

I hardly, if ever blog about politics and am not about to begin today.

But this latest circus in my homestate of Perak has me going what the %&@# x 10 everytime I so much so as browse The Star online these past two days and I just need to say this: "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO OUR DEMOCRACY????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Politics is a murky cesspool and I think politicians are charlartans, the lot of them. But for goodness sake, please can you all not be so blatantly stupid and unjust. Makes me feel like tearing the heads off the idiots making the innane statements in the newspapers since they evidently, are not using their brains anyway. Better feed them to some hungry dogs.

A spoonful of Sugar

2009-05-11T23:14:00.008+08:00

Pray please share with me if you know, the secret to swallowing the bitter pill of generic happiness.

It seems to some, the easiest thing in the world. Pop pill, sugar water, chug chug, swallow swallow. Plastered smiles etched on digital photograhs uploaded in droves. Conversations that echo of contriviality, shallowness and emptiness.

I wonder, is it me? Or is it them, selling themselves to what might be, the sneakiest, most successful marketing campaign ever- the marketing of the notion of what happiness is.

Oh, I'm smarter, I see through it...or do I really?

More and more I realize, that the spurious notion of happiness that has sold a thousand sappy movies, that we learnt was the ultimate goal in life in the less than wonderful schools we (I, at least) went to and read in fluff magazines and novels, might not be the ultimate destination.

Some, surely some are meant to walk the path less tread, for if not, wouldn't the glorious sights on those heartachingly gorgeous, but desolate paths, have been created in vain?

Who is to say that simply implying to deviate from this Godliest of Godly notions of Nirvana, when the mood hits me to offhand spout my regular smart-alecky glib comments, is, I've been told time and again in many times and many ways, being negative?

Truth be told, I'd like to be compliant. I'm a good girl, I am. I'd like to be able to take my bitter pill once daily deliciously laced with a sweet nectar wine, the flavour of ripe peaches on the vine, please!

Chug, chug, swallow, swallow pleasantly and live forever till the end of my time in this apocryphal bubble of intoxication.

But, if it were my destiny to live entrapped in a chimera, I'd like to know beforehand please. That's all I ask, thankyouverymuch.

Chug, chug, swallow, swallow. Life just became sweeter.

You'll always be my Baby

2009-04-18T23:10:00.012+08:00

You are the best thing that I've ever called my own.

Despite you being my most expensive investment to date, I believe that every cent I've ever spent on you has been worth it through and through.

Although I've hurt you in the past, and in so many different ways too, you've never stopped being there for me- through the brightest of sunny days and the most violent of thunderstorms.

We've gone places together- Ipoh, Penang, Cameron Highlands where we've cruised through journeys on smooth-flowing highways and excursions through narrow, winding roads with sharp almost 90 degree bends where we were blind to what was lurking around the corner and we've survived, simply by the inherent trust that we have in each other's abilities.

I've learnt to handle you so well, and we fit together seemlessly, as if somewhere in our past life, we were a single entity. You were an extension of me, and I of you.

When I'm apart from you, I miss you and long for you to be at my side. I can't imagine how I lived without you in my life before, and I couldn't imagine living a life without you now.

You are my independence, my most cherished posession and my pride.

Without you, I am crippled and life ceases to have meaning.

After 3 years (come May 20, 2009) of being together, I would like to say thank you my Baby, for everything! I love you so much!

My Baby car with a fresh new coat of paint, looking almost brand new! I imagine her to be smilling and basking in all her shining glory :D

Searching her soul tonight

2009-04-16T22:39:00.010+08:00

Oasis Concert, Singapore, 5-Apr-2009

From the vantage point, the people milling in the crowd looked like tiny dolls.

And yet, despite knowing that it would only be more painful to, she still furtively scanned the tiny faces in a hopeful and yet futile effort, heartachingly searching for her magical sappy movie moment.

You know, the moment of cheesy unreality when, the eyes of two star-crossed lovers meet across the crowd of millions of people and all time seems to stand still as they sprint towards each other in slow motion?

Tracherous eyes, they follow the whims of the heart of hearts, imprinted forever with fragments of familiar faces, favourite places and empty spaces, that echo, pining for the fullness it once knew. Forever, it's a long time.

Raindrops running down the windowpane, mirror the Tracks of My Tears. Like hundreds of watery tadpoles each with an infinite wriggling tail.

Rainbow in the rain, North-South Highway, 6-Apr-2009

But hope, hope is the ash from which the phoenix rises shimmeringly, in a spectrum of golden splendour.

Everyday now, she walks the familiar places with increasing serenity.

Back in KL

2009-04-12T22:39:00.004+08:00

I just came back to KL today after a week's break in Ipoh where I could not blog at all because each time I tried to log on to Blogger, the Internet connection would freeze and die on me. *sad face* Grrr...I had so much I wanted to write about. I'll back-blog soon. :D

Meanwhile, I should sleep early tonight, because tomorrow I start my new job! I'm kinda nervous actually. Wish me luck!!!!!!!

When the light shines through

2009-04-02T23:38:00.007+08:00

You know that heart-stopping moment of lucid clarity when you look at a something and you just know, inexplicably so, that that is the perfect thing for you?

So much so that making an incorrect decision is simply impossible because- there can only be one foregone conclusion. A single certainty.

Moments like these are a rarity. Most of the time, the terror of making the wrong decisions breeds indecision. A gazillion 'what ifs' speeding through the mind at lightning speed, immobilizes.

But yet, there are wondrous instances when you just know and without hesitation you reach out and touch. And in a heartbeat, all time seems to stand still.

Afterwards, the being is swaddled in blissful warmth, cocooned and nurtured with the happiness of loving. And giving.

I'm glad, deep down, you never stopped caring.

Wednesday night rant

2009-04-01T23:10:00.004+08:00

They are great days and then there are days when you start your day by walking into an elevator and are overwhelmed by stale ciggarette smoke courtesy of the earlier idiot who could not wait till he got out of the lift to light up.

If there's a pet peeve of mine, it's people smoking in public places- in lifts (the worst, because the smoke gets trapped!), stair wells, while walking along the street...

But this is not meant to be a rant about smoking, though it's one hell of a horrible habit. This is a rant about how my day went downhill after holding my breath all the way down seven floors of my apartment in that polluted elevator.

Practically everything sucked today. But I still existed in a state of pseudo-happiness just because, is there a point in showing outwardly how upset you are?

I resent the self-righteous people in this world who need to impose their beliefs on you as much as the insincerity that is so blatant, I wonder how people miss it. Maybe they are like me, existing in pseudo-oblivion. Is this the only way to survive in this world? To numb yourself against abuse that is hurled against you?

I am upset at pieces of the past, that seem to appear when you thought you had forgotten, like microscopic shrapnels embedded in your heart, invisible to you, yet you feel the piercing pain at its very core. It is one thing to glibly declare, that it is over and another thing to know deep down inside that it truly is. Who can really understand what is felt? I can't even begin to scrape the surface of the depth of the feeling. I think I don't really know myself.

I am sick of hearing the same things over and over. Of starting the day by complaining. Of negativity. Of being made to feel convenient. I wonder who invented this word, I just realized today that it has such negative connotations.

I should sleep now. Tomorrow has got to be a better day.

Shoes that are made for walkin'

2009-03-29T16:39:00.003+08:00

These are my favourite shoes of the moment. Bought it from Sole Lovely at Bangsar Village for 50% off! I'm a happy girl!

Twenty eight today

2009-03-28T06:42:00.003+08:00

Today, I turn 28.

I think this year is going to be an awesome year for me if merely for the fact that 28 is an auspicious number in Chinese! :D

Haha, seriously though, I think it's going to be great.

I have a new job that I'm really excited about, starting mid-April.

I know who are the people who truly matter in my life and hence, deserve my attention and efforts as opposed to those who don't deserve the time of my day.

I can say "No" when I need to.

I've learnt that you cannot let anybody tell you what you can, or cannot do.

I realize that to be truly happy, you need to be happy with yourself first.

I am thankful for my friends and family who have always been there for me, for their unwavering confidence in me, for their patience with my whining and complains and for teaching me to love myself so much more.

Happy birthday to me and Thank you!

BBC's top 100 books

2009-03-24T23:54:00.006+08:00

Janvier tagged me with this meme on Facebook but I prefer to do it here. :D

According to the BBC, the typical adult would have read 6 out of the 100 books on the following list of best-loved novels in Britain, at least. I'm not sure how accurate this list is since some of my favourite books are actually not on the list! But anyway, for the fun of it here goes...

Instructions:
1) Look at the list and put an ‘x’ after those you have read.
2) Add a ‘+’ to the ones you LOVE. (++++ means LOVE a lot..haha)
3) Tally your total.

1) Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen X
2) The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien X
3) Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4) Harry Potter series - JK Rowling X+
5)To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X ++++
6) The Bible - (some popular excerpts here and there)
7) Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8) Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9)His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10) Great Expectations - Charles Dickens (only read the abridged version, so not counted)
11) Little Women - Louisa M Alcott X+
12) Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13) Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14) Complete Works of Shakespeare (only read Romeo and Juliet, haha, typical girl)
15) Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16) The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien X
17) Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18) Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger X+ (the origins of the "vomity" feeling!)
19) The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger X+
20) Middlemarch - George Eliot
21) Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22) The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23) Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24) War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25) The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26) Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27) Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28) Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29) Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30) The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31) Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32) David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33) Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis X
34) Emma - Jane Austen
35) Persuasion - Jane Austen
36) The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis X
37) The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini X ++++++++
38) Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39) Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden X
40) Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41) Animal Farm - George Orwell
42) The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown X
43) One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44) A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45) The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46) Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery X ++++
47) Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48) The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49) Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50) Atonement - Ian McEwan X++++
51) Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52) Dune - Frank Herbert
53) Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54) Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55) A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56) The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57) A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens X+
58) Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59) The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon X++++
60) Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61) Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62)Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63)The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64)The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65)Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66) On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67) Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68) Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding X
69) Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70) Moby Dick - Herman Melville -(abridged only)
71) Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens X
72) Dracula - Bram Stoker
73) The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett (abridged only)
74) Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75) Ulysses - James Joyce
76) The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77) Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78) Germinal - Emile Zola
79) Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80) Possession - AS Byatt
81) A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens (abridged only)
82) Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83) The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84) The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85) Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86) A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry X ++++++++ (Awesome book, sad though- I cried)
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White X +
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom X+
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle X+
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton X+++++++++ (I always wanted to visit the Land of Tea Parties...hahaha)
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint X+
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas (abridged only)
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (abridged only)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X+
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

OK, my score is 26. I only read a quarter of the books. Long way to go if I want to complete the list! :D

Decisions, decisions

2009-03-22T20:41:00.003+08:00

I don't know why making decisions seems to get harder and harder the older I grow. And as soon as you decide, there looms another choice to be made. Sigh.

I often wish, it were as easy as simply flipping a coin.

Try and try again...

2009-03-19T10:18:00.001+08:00

Most of the time, that's all that we can do.

Flecks of colour in shades of grey

2009-03-17T22:05:00.009+08:00

Said the little ducky to his hippy friend, "You add colour to my life. Muchos gracias!"

Tired

2009-03-16T20:57:00.007+08:00

They come, stay for a while and then they are gone as they always do.

Leaving me alone, where I was, changed.

Old or new

2009-03-15T21:01:00.009+08:00

A random thought occured to me in my semi-camatose state while being thoroughly pampered with an icy-cold, creamy mask slathered on my face during my facial earlier in the evening.

Lying there in the cool dark room, it dawned on me that sometimes with all focus on shiny and bright new experiences, the old and by comparison apparently dull and mundane, are overlooked.

How do we balance between the yearning to learn and experience more, and yet, treasure the old that has always been there, but maybe not forever?

White hot!

2009-03-14T12:31:00.004+08:00

This is my idea of perfection in a watch. I *heart* it so much!

Drawing tables in the air

2009-03-13T22:46:00.007+08:00

I helped someone today complete a task that was simple enough for me, but though for her mainly due to the technology barrier prevalent in her age group.

Seeing her eyes light up when it dawned on her which button to click to merge a cell, the sheer joy in her face and the sincere gratitude in her voice when she saw how colours could be added, really made my day.

I admire her tenacity, her initiative and her eagerness to learn. I marvel at her willingness to embrace something new and foreign, and I respect her perseverance and deligence at a task that to her was surely fairly monumental.

There should be more moments like these in the daily drudgery of life to stop me from sitting around whining and just getting on with living.

Two Down

2009-03-12T23:08:00.002+08:00

I had a persistent headache throughout the day making me irritable, moody and emo.

I'm utterly glad that tomorrow is Friday already!

One down

2009-03-11T23:15:00.011+08:00

Today, I achieved the first of a series of somewhat important tasks I'd committed to complete.

The pride of accomplishment was undeniable, but tinged, with the frustration of unappreciation and an underlying fear that more, will be what is asked. Like an insatiable parasite that will continue sucking until a mere empty husk of the former being is left behind to crumble into ash and dust, and dissolve in the rain of time into nothingness.

Someone touched me when they bothered to asked, why do you still care, why do you still wait? What will happen if you fail to complete?

In the very depths of my heart, I know the answer is a BIG FAT NOTHING!

But I am who I am. I'd like to think that, taking pride, is something I cannot change.

Or am I just being stupid?

My new bathroom plant

2009-03-10T23:01:00.001+08:00

This (pic left) is a new plant in my bathroom. About two weeks ago, I bought a big plant at Ikea which cost me a mere RM 3.90, split it into two small pots, kept one and gave one to my housemate.

At first I was a little worried that the plants would not survive but they seem to be doing just fine. I think this would make a very nice and thoughtful gift for anyone. So simple too!

The little plant really makes my bathroom look much cheerier. Just the thing to vanquish the early morning blues I'm often prone to. :D

At a loss for words...

2009-03-03T22:29:00.007+08:00

So much has happened and there are so many thoughts swirling in my head. But, for once in my life I find it hard to translate my thoughts into words.

Is it life that has become so complex that it trancends mere words, or is it just me losing touch with something I once loved wholeheartedly?

Edit: 11-Mar-2009. I'm making a concious effort to write more often from now, even if it's only one or two lines...

Laden with Prosperity and Abundance

2009-02-09T14:04:00.011+08:00

I just thought I'd share some photos of the wholesome homecooked meals I've been having for the past two weeks of Chinese New Year. Somehow, lots of (porky) food is always synonymous with this festive period. Everyone chips in and prepares heaps of food because having leftovers, signifies there's more than you can eat for the whole family which, I think, is supposed to be auspicious.

Though my poor stomach is cranky from working overtime, I must admit, it has been wonderful to not have to think what and where to eat your next meal.

Since today is the last day of CNY, here's wishing everyone Happy Chap Goh Meh and a Prosperous and Healthy Ox Year ahead!

As for me, I'm back in KL, back to traffic-jammed reality, back to overpriced, less than spectacular KL food.

Reality: tastes like Wonderland.

Fleeting moments

2009-01-20T00:00:00.018+08:00

Seated in the gloom of the shiny black car, with his two-day old stubble, the resemblance was surprising and uncanny, and, for a split moment, the faintly familiar scent that was a mixture of cigarettes, strong black coffee and after dinner mints seemed to linger between them in the cool air-conditioned air.

Déjà vu: of a time when happiness chanced upon me, but was never mine to keep.

Fleeting moments of happiness seemed to define my 2008. Silly as it might sound, turning 27 in the past year appeared to have rendered me butter-fingered, simply unable to gain a stronghold on the elusive idea of happiness.

Perhaps, my new year's resolution (now not so new anymore) should be to rethink what happiness means to me. Or maybe, I should kick the pointless habit I picked up somewhere of checking the license plate of every black car I chance upon.

Alas, resolutions are not something I believe in. Not anymore.

Christmas Choc Chip and Pecan cookies

2008-12-20T13:49:00.009+08:00

I made some chewy chocolate chip cookies last weekend when I was home in Ipoh as some Christmas gifts for family, friends and colleagues. I used the recipe on Mabel's blog and cut down the sugar by 1/3. The cookies turned out sweet enough and almost everyone seemed to like them. *happy* Even my dad liked it which is saying a lot because he's the person with the least sweet tooth I know. :D I haven't baked anything for some time and I really had fun.

I'd definitely make them again, though I would be smarter and use the electric mixer rather than a hand mixer the next time to mix the butter and sugar cause it took really long and my arm was really tired at the end...but the product was well worth the effort!

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy New Year in advance!

p/s If you're a reader of my blog and recieved cookies from me (I know there are a lot of you!) and since it's also the Christmas season, why not do something nice for someone in return in the spirit of Paying it Forward?

My latest Vain Venture

2008-11-30T23:06:00.005+08:00

Colour and highlights done at Crop Studio, Kuchai Lama Entrepreneurs Park

If you're interested to read more about my hairy adventures, click the links below:

My Hairscapades
Newly wavy

Five girls, a guy and two pretty dresses

2008-11-26T23:10:00.012+08:00

Along the Melaka River- a Korean colleague said it reminded her of Venice. A far stretch of the imagination perhaps, but still it was a picturesque walk.

I've been in Melaka since Sunday for my bi-annual regional team meeting.

Before this, being Malaysian and all, to me, Melaka was only about the tourist trap that is Jonker Walk, St Paul's Ruins and Nyonya pineapple tarts. It also didn't help that, my last trip to Melaka was one of those stories that in retrospect, might have been better if it remained untold.

Needless to say, I wasn't exactly jumping up and down in eager anticipation of the meeting.

But who would have thought that I actually had good fun and lots of laughs the past 3 days?

Who would have thought the shopping in Melaka could be this fantastic?! Dataran Pahlawan shopping mall, I *heart* you truly!

Perhaps, it's all about the company that you keep.

And maybe, it's all about giving everything a chance and never giving up hope for a rainbow and sunshine even when the weather almanac constantly foretells: Rain with high chances of thunderstorms.

The Story with no End

2008-11-25T22:57:00.007+08:00

I realize I've been neglecting my blog. I wonder if anyone even bothers to check it anymore...

I've meant so many times in the past month to post an entry but somehow, something or other always popped up. I've been so incredibly busy and pre-occupied- work, planning a big BBQ bash, a friend's outstation wedding, trying to keep up some semblance of a 'happening' social life. Haha.

A million thoughts run through my mind at each waking moment (imagine how much I've thought about the past month!) and I often wish that there could be an auto-transcipt of my thoughts so I could re-read them and just understand myself a bit more.

Since this is my blog and all about me, let me tell you the story of my thoughts today.

Sometimes I feel I'm just living my life by going through the motions of being happy. Appearing cheerful so the people around me don't have to be uncomfortable or try to cheer me up, appearing strong and independent so people don't feel that they have to go out of their way to accomodate me. I do it so often, it's already become an integral part of me, fooling many, except the rare unlucky few who are privy to my innermost thoughts.

It's not to say that I haven't had the random spurts of happiness here and there- being given a day's off after gruelling 12-hour/day work-week, the simple joy of someone you look up to a lot calling you a friend, the sense of achievement and boost of confidence that you can be a great organizer after a successful bash, the girlish adrenaline rush of a good buy, the luxury of a wonderful facial but these are far and few in between. Oh, I know I'm luckier than most, I'm being over-emo and all that crap, but this is my self-absorbed rant, so just bear with me will ya?

I used to think, that the only way to move on was to get an answer. Naive me thought that just like every story has to have a beginning, there should be an ending. I sometimes think now that the quest for closure might just be a wild goose chace because I realize now that some stories start right in the middle or at the very end, and because silly me didn't know any better I thought that was the start. Chasing for an ending that had already occured, not very smart girl, you can do better than that!

Some stories end abruptly for no reason, characters just fall off the face of the Earth, into oblivion and Nothingness. That's because you didn't know it had already ended before it began for you. And you wait and you fret and you emote. Time to wisen up!

But some stories should never have been written in the first place. Or the authors had a 12 pm curfew and needed to go to bed because they had a 9am meeting tomorrow and had to pen off a few rubbish, senseless prose.

Maybe, just like this one.

I miss you so much!

2008-10-16T22:47:00.017+08:00

My dinner before I wrote this post- instant noodles, snow pea shoots and braised pork and mushrooms (frozen-packed with love for me by my mom) all nuked in the microwave! Fast and simple *yummy*

Life has not been the same without you.

After you left, I still breathed, but living itself had lost the wonderful lustre and promise it once held.

My deep-seated unhappiness, self-doubt and self-destructive thoughts, ever present in the fringes of my conciousness, unfurled like coiled scorpions and infused deadly venom, poisoning my sentient mind and even my listless sleep.

You've achieved nothing in your life.

You're fat, ugly, unattractive. Nobody will ever love you. Nobody has the time to care.

You're a lazy chronic procrastinating underachiever.

You're nothing.

Countless are the times in the past month when I awoke with a lump in my throat and a sense of lingering, insecure unhappiness, frantically tryng to grasp helplessly at the wisps of a dream that slips through my sleepy consciousness like a fluffy white cloud.

Not a moment went by, when I didn't think of you. Yearn for you.

For God's sake, I was crazy about you! One minute you were there, the next you were gone! Lying, conniving SOB that you were, I still missed you.

I pined for the thrilling, pulse racing exhilaration that I felt when I was with you, but at the same time I also longed for the comfortable sense of belonging.

With you, I felt like I was home at long last and, for the lack of a more apt description, in the corniest Jerry McGuiresque way, you completed me.

If Yoga were a person, I would declare here and now, unequivocally without any hesitation or doubt in my very lucid mind (I swear I'm not under influence of any substances), that I have found true love!

Hahahaha...

After a month and more of not attending my beloved yoga classes due to the Yogazone Fiasco, where to cut a long and painful story short, cheated a lot of money from innocent people just wanting to exercise (like myself) who are still paying monthly installment for nothing, I finally went for yoga classes yesterday and today at the Cheras branch- now under the new management, called Urban Yoga. They're offering free classes until end of this month, thereafter they will start charging, a cheaper rate for ex-Yogazone membes. It's not fair at all, but I can't think of any better alternatives.

I feel incredibly good about myself now. It's amazing what two hours spent stretching and sweating can do for your disposition. I feel alert and alive.

Life is worth living afterall. :D

Oh, I also thought I'd share a mantra to chant, effective for those bleak moments when you feel like it's just you against the world. I'll share it here since it works for me sometimes, just in case anyone is in need of a pick-me-up :D

Learn and grow though it maybe painful.

You need to feel deep sadness so that you can cherish and appreciate true happiness.

What cannot kill you, can only make you stronger.

Closure

2008-10-15T13:19:00.007+08:00

Just two simple clicks, "Delete." Confirm delete? "Yes."

Contact has been deleted.

Grow and learn. Closure.

Paying it Forward Package

2008-10-01T15:31:00.015+08:00

In May, I blogged about the concept of Paying it Forward.

I collected my care package sent all the way from Switzerland from Mabel from the post office two weeks ago

Contents as below. Some delicious Swiss milk chocolate with almond praline ( I don't think I ever tried almond praline before!), some yarn and a Swiss Fondue post card. Thanks Mable!

Uh-oh, this is a reminder to me to send out my own care packages soon! :D

Colourful iced little gems

2008-09-16T21:45:00.013+08:00

One of my fav childhood tidbits- little gem biscuits. Actually I still kinda like 'em now, colouring and all :)

I went home to Ipoh for a long weekend last week. My work schedule coincided with my play and managed to get 5 whole days at home.

In the days preceeding to my much needed reprieve up North from the crazy madness that KL often is, I looked forward longingly to those 5 days and "carrotized" it to get through my challenging week ie, I was the burdened donkey plodding stolidly along and Ipoh was the carrot, always dangling tantalizingly close but always a fraction of an inch out of reach.

Funnily enough though, within the span of a few hours back home in Ipoh, I remembered clearly once again all the reasons why I chose to work and live in KL in the first place.

Because Ipoh is the kind of place where you would garner more attention at the local kopitiam if you were a pair of gays holding hands/ a girl dressed in a skimpy cleavage-bearing top smoking a ciggie than if you were sloppily dressed in a holey T-shirt and Bata slippers without a scrap of make-up on, hair askew.

It is the kind of painfully conspicuous place where anonymity does not exist and it would be surprising if you went out to run a simple errand and didn't bump into anyone you know, or your parents know, or know you/ your siblings (not necessarily vice versa!), or know your parents...

Quintessentially, it is the kind of place where it is a city by name but innately, still a quaint small town. Exactly as I left it 10 years ago.

When I'm at home, I cannot wait to leave. But when I'm away for too long, I miss and yearn for it's familiar, comforting embrace. It's been a trend I've noticed in myself for years and I've never managed to exactly place or describe the feeling.

Is this unconditional love? Loving something for everything that it is? Is it blind, obstinate, stupidity? Or is it just an idyllic comfort zone to recharge worn-out batteries?

I guess, in a way, it's a place where I remember what I used to be. A time of youthful naivete and ideals. While I don't exactly yearn to turn back time, I like to pause sometimes in the frenatic pace of growned-up life and return, if only for a while, to the simplicity that I once knew.

Work, YogaZone, Kenko Fish Spa

2008-09-07T00:05:00.011+08:00

Good riddance!

Late Friday evening, 62 boxes of paperwork were sent out for archiving.

Finally, after months of anguish, tears, blood and sweat, the work on the vomit-inducing project is over. At times, I really thought it would never end. I hope to God I won't need to see any of the documents ever again!

On Saturday morning, I decided I really needed to get my yoga fix after denying myself the whole week. Imagine my horror when I saw the whole front of the centre splattered in bright red paint! Apparently, this is the 2nd time this has happened.

I thought this kind of thing only happened in movies. Check out the loan shark poster pasted on the tree. How ironic.

Though I knew it wasn't blood, it still felt as if it was the scene of a brutal murder. :( I hope the management/finance problem at YogaZone is sorted out soon and classes can return to normal scheduling with no more unpleasant surprises such as this for us members. Yoga is afterall supposed to calm the mind, body and soul not induce nightmares!

After the stress and unpleasant surprise(s) of the week, I decided that a reward was overdue and proceeded to allow fish to nibble at my feet on Saturday evening.

My feet being nibbled by the tiny fish..the customary fish spa picture :)

Haha. I finally tried out Kenko Fish Spa at Pavillion (5th Floor near GSC) after reading so much about it in the newspaper and in many blogs.

My opinion? It's very ticklish at first (I'm a pretty ticklish person to begin with) and I couldn't stop giggling when I first submerged my feet in the pool. But after a while, it feels like you have pins and needles. I wasn't brave enough to try the pool with the really big fish though (about 8-10 cm in length) and stuck with the pool where the fish were the tinniest (about 1.5-2 cm). My friend was braver though, and he said the sensation with the bigger fish felt like sandpaper rubbing against your skin.

The results? Well, honestly, I didn't really feel any difference in the smoothness of my calves and as for the soles of my feet, I've had more noticeable results from pedicures. That being said, I would probably go again, if just for the novelty and fun of it.

Little Black Dresses are Forever

2008-09-03T21:37:00.016+08:00

She strolled into the shop of her favourite downtown boutique which housed an eclectic selection of dresses, tops, skirts and accessories from promising local designers where most items were unique and often sewned by hand.

"I'm looking for a party frock, something simple."

She browsed the shop's selection of dresses leisurely, pulling out any garment that caught her eye and examining it meticulously, checking the dress down to every tinniest embroidered, sequined and beaded detail. It was as if she was trying to figure out how the designer had assembled the garment and if there were any hidden surprises waiting to be discovered.

From time to time, she would hold up a dress in front of her and look into the full-length mirror. With her head tilted to one side, she contemplated her reflection.

Does the essence of this reflect who I am?
Will it complement me?
Or in fact, will it flatter me?
From past experience, this never worked, will it this time?

"My dear, that's quite a selection you've got there. I think you should try them on. You can't tell whether it'll suit you unless you do!"

A Morning Glory-purple satin halter number by Uply, with gold rings around the tie and pleats from the bodice softly falling in folds till mid-calf. Love the colour, unsure about the trimmings, doesn't hug at the correct places, length is Granny-like.

A short creamy-white tube dress with a sweetheart neckline and gentle folds at the bodice by ChaiLatte. Bejewelled brooch to be pinned at empire waist sold separately. Looked much better on the mannequin, length is sexy but the cut unflattering, without the brooch the dress would be boring with a capital "B".

A flamingo-pink, cotton halter neck with empire waist, sequinned details below the bodice, ties at the back by 1Ton. Neckline is too plunging, nice beading details on the tie, the way the dress falls from the waist is too full.

"Here, try this black one."

Black, spaghetti strapped, tierred dress from some kind of sheer-flowy see through material lined underneath with black satin.

She looked doubtfully at the dress. Definitely not something she would normally try on. Not her taste at all.

She checked the lable of the dress- LSY. Whoa, surely not the designer who won the award in Milan recently?

Her flightly, frivolous, tracherous heart egged her to try it on even before asking for the price. You never know until you try. Give yourself a chance, it might fit and so what if you need to pay a little bit more?

But it looks flouncy, a little forward in a trashy way and loud. Not you at all. This look and cut of dress never worked before. What're the chances it'll work now?

Oh heck, what is there to lose?

She slipped the gown over her head. It slipped easily over her body, soft cool satin sliding over bare skin and surveyed the mirror in trepedition.

The dress hugged and accentuated the places it should and skimmed gently over other places. The tiers fell in soft, alluring folds just above the knee.

Perfection, it seemed, redeemed the previous boo-boos.

Walking out of the shop, she surveyed her sales receipt in satisfaction. Not such a high price to pay afterall.

She balled it in her fist and unceremoniously dumped it into the nearest trash can.

Oasis's Don't Look Back in Anger, played overhead. Humming along, she walked towards the parking lot.

My Happy Sunday Brekkie

2008-08-17T23:16:00.006+08:00

Two fluffy wholemeal pancakes with cream cheese, yummy assorted sliced fruits, drizzled with maple syrup and sprinkled with a light dusting of cinnamon sugar.

I started my Sunday with a very late breakfast at Marmalade in Bangsar Village. Mmmm...this is one of my all-time favourite breakfasts in the whole wide world! I'm always in such a good mood after eating it. *satisfied smile*

Oh, except one occasion which I shall herewith, refer to as The RM 18 Incident. Haha, but that is a story for another day.

Today, I just want to be happy.

Life's reflections At Work on a Saturday Morning

2008-08-16T12:16:00.004+08:00

Leisure
by William Henry Davies

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this is if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

I think I first came across this poem in a Form 2 English textbook and the verses somehow stuck in my mind all these years. Oh, how aptly WH Davies words describe my state of mind currently! :(

Weekend thrill

2008-07-17T13:22:00.008+08:00

I abseiled down this 18m waterfall near Sg Kampar last Saturday. It was a scary yet exhilarating experience to be dangling from the end of a rope, feet immersed in cold water gushing over slippery rock and not knowing if your next step could possibly be your last...

Haha, OK so I'm overdramatizing. There were proper safety precautions in place and the rocks were a lot less slippery than I thought they would be. But still, not exactly something I would want to do every weekend for fun. Maybe just once in a while for that invigorating adrenaline rush! ;)

Rafa is Wimbledon champion!

2008-07-08T16:25:00.012+08:00

Rafa and his signature trophy-biting pose. (Photo from EPA)

I've often wondered what goes through the minds of tennis greats when they are playing in these finals of finals at the most prestigious arenas that they can ever play in.

Watching the finals of Wimbledon on Sunday night, I could not even begin to imagine the sheer mental effort (on top of the obvious physical exertion) that Nadal and Federer somehow conjured up in their 4 hour 48 minutes match, the longest finals ever in the history of Wimbledon. I found myself musing as the match dragged to the fifth and final determining set after two rain delays at pivotal points in the game, "What could possibly be running through their minds now?" Are they thinking about all the effort, sacrifices and relentless training they've both put in so to reach this point in their tennis careers and how they simply had to win or are they just thinking innane stuff like what they're going to have for dinner after the match?

Hence, it was with interest that I read the excerpt of what Rafael Nadal, Wimbledon Champion 2008 wrote on his Times Online Wimbledon blog after his quarter-finals match with Andy Murray.

Lot of thoughts from last year came to my mind and believe me I felt good. It is funny how you (I do at least) always remember the good things from past situations. It is true that I also remember the bad ones but when something was in the end positive I tend to retain in my head the good memories. Well that's what happened to me today thinking about the rain and Wimbledon. True that I didn't win last year, I was close, but I still remember the good things.

I find it awe-inspiring that in those crucial moment at the Wimbledon finals, Rafa could possibly be thinking happy, happy thoughts to fuel him on mentally. I think it's pretty amazing how far positive thinking can bring you. Some motivation for me to be a more positive person! :)

I'm so happy for Rafa. I thought he thoroughly deserved the win...though I also felt for Federer, impeccably sportsman-like but still unable to hide the crushing disspointment after the match that was reflected on his beautiful, beautiful face. *sigh*

Wimbledon Finals 2008: Nadal vs Federer

2008-07-07T03:18:00.003+08:00

Arghhhhh...play has been suspended again for the 2nd time in the Wimbledon finals between Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer. It's as if the "vagaries of the British weather" (as repeatedly mentioned by the announcer) has a mind of it's own- stopping play at the most suspenseful moments!

First time it was when Nadal had already won two sets! And now, play is suspended at 2 sets Nadal, 2 sets Federer and the third game underway at a 40-40 deuce with two games to all! *nail bitting suspense*

Perhaps, it's trying to show us how evenly matched these two tennis players are. I'm actually experiencing dejavu, because once again, like last year, I can't decide who deserves to win more! Both so skilled, both so strong physically and mentally and both so beautiful...*Le sigh*

Why must there be only one winner?!!

Oh play has resumed!

An engagement, A newborn baby and Happily ever afters

2008-07-06T00:54:00.006+08:00

There've been a flurry of happy events recently in the lifes of some wonderful people whom I hold very dear and close to heart.

My ex-roommate in college got engaged to my ex-boss! He proposed to her in Florence, Italy! And check out the gorgeous engagement ring below. Very fairytale like ,eh? But for me, most fabulously of all is that, they met each other in Sydney, through ME when I visited! I wasn't even originally supposed to share a room with my roommate if it weren't for the fact that her original roommate had dropped out of the course at the last minute! It's a marvel that everything turned out just the way it should be. So happy for the both of you RG & CL!

Isn't that a huge rock?!!! Haven't managed to ask her how many carats it is! Hehe.

Another close friend of mine delivered her baby today (technically, it should be yesterday since it's already after 12 midnight)! Isn't he so pink and cute all bundled up in the blanket? Geo and TV, I hope you don't mind me posting this picture of your son online to share with the world even before the both of you! I'm just too excited and happy after all the anticipation, more so for the both of you I'm sure. CONGRATS to the both of you!

Freshly-minted one day old face! Ahh..the wonders of MMS!

So, today is a happy, happy day. Riding on the hope and happiness of my friends, I might even be willing to concede that personal happily ever afters, exist.

No life post

2008-06-29T22:05:00.011+08:00

Work this past month has been crazily busy.

Haven't had time and mood to write a nice, happy post, but here are some random thoughts off the top of my head in no particular order of preference.

I think first dates are like job interviews. In both instances you try to project your "best" image, you try to give you most impressive, stilted, practiced answers trying hard to convince the other party that this is who-you-really-are, you start each off with a lot of hope which most of the time is crushed into a thousand pieces, throdded and kneaded into the ground. I guess, at the end of the day, ultimately behind all the thrusts and parries of both situations, what is being seeked can be succinctly summarized into, "WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME/ THE COMPANY?" Maybe the moral of the story is to not have high hopes, or be better at deceiving people into believing they are holding the aces in the game OR, why not just ask outright the above question in the first place? Save everyone all the time, effort and hoping and guessing. Time is money after all. And we all know how important money is.

The most innane, MALE CHAUVANISTIC PIG-ish thing a guy (that I ~~have~~ had a certain amount of respect for- oh what a severe letdown!) told me recently was "Hey, I think you've put on weight! You're not married right? Ehh..not married better don't put on weight!" WT%&#@!!! He wasn't joking, his face was serious as if he were doling out advice worthy of an award! I don't resent the fact that he said he thought I'd put on weight. Actually, I seeth with unexpressed rage at the implication of the second part of his comments- so it's not ok for women (psssttt...especially unmarried females), to be fat but you mean it's OK for unmarried men to be fat and slovenly? Or worst, you mean it's OK for men to be fat and slovenly whether married or unmarried? Ohh, the cheek of that insensitive, chauvanistic, Neantherdal fat ass! Yes he is FAT, bordering on being grossly obese! Haha. Life and it's little ironies that make me laugh. I don't normally comment about people's weight but this guy deserves it. Why, oh why despite all the education, all the exposure, all the supposed open-mindedness do us Asians still judge:
a) women by their looks
b) men by their careers

I wish it was easier to get healthy food in Malaysia. Food outside is either too salty, too oily, too much carbo, too little fibre, too much sugar, too little veg or too expensive! Because there is no other choice -except for me doing my own cooking, which is totally out of the question at the moment since I don't have the time and most importantly of all my apartment has no gas- I still ingest outside food that I think might have contributed to my persistent migraine the past week, the nausea, the breakout of pimples on my face and body. Well, nothing sleeping at 8pm 3 days in a row, a facial, some yoga classes can't cure for now. But in the long term, I think I should take better care of my health and myself. After all, if you don't love yourself, nobody else will.

OK, that's it. Back to living my no life life. Oh, don't you just envy me?

Rest in peace, Bobo

2008-06-02T22:22:00.005+08:00

Bobo, my office Rottweiler for those of you who don't know, died today. So sad...:( Kinda got used to seeing it everyday at work.

I asked the guards if they knew what caused the death but they didn't know.

Heatwave? Accidental ingestion of rat poison? Old age? I dunno.

I hope Bobo's in a better place now.

Some sort of doggy heaven, if there's such a thing.

Paying it Forward

2008-05-29T23:00:00.009+08:00

I returned from Singapore today after 3 full days of work-related meetings to find a pleasant little surprise in my mailbox. I'm going to be the very happy recipient of a care package all the way from Switzerland!

Just to give everyone some background details:

Previously, I read on Mabel's blog about the interesting concept of Paying it Forward, an idea based on the movie Pay it Forward starring Haley Joel Osment, Helen Hunt and Kevin Spacey to name a few. I have not watched the movie before but from what I gather, the idea is to do something nice for someone who in turn must pass the act of kindness on to other people and they to others in turn. Sort of like casting a web of kindness and good will that will hopefully go on infinitely.

It sounded like a very nice thing to be part of and I was lucky enough to be picked by Mabel. *big smile*

Hence in turn, I will be doing something nice (I have not decided what yet) for some of the readers of my blog. Unfortunately, because June is going to be an extremely busy month for me at work with lots of travel, I cannot promise that I will do it by this month, but I will definitely try to do it before the end of this year.

So simply, drop me a comment if you'd like to receive a bit of kindness to brighten up your day. Closing date 6-June-2008.

p/s non-bloggers can also apply

Newly wavy

2008-05-23T00:07:00.010+08:00

Pictured above is my latest hairstyle and I think most of you who know me would probably already have seen me in person with the new change.

Three weeks ago, my hair was at a messy shoulder length that was neither long nor short. Since I was growing out my previous sleek bob hairstyle, cutting it was not an option and I was really irked because my hair would be flat near the crown of my head while the strands at the nape of my neck would stubbornly stick out at awkward angles no matter how much conditioner/ serum I slapped on during or after a shower. Fed up with the unruly mess, I decided to perm it!

Problem solved! The stoically stubborn strands have now been transformed into gentle waves. The funniest comment by far on my new hairstyle is that it makes me resemble a cocker spaniel! Hahaha, I still like it anyhow....

I think it's a great way to grow out shoulder-length hair and because the styling involved is not more time consuming then with my previous style, it makes it totally cool. *big smile*

Free Burger, Book Meme and Bobo

2008-05-12T22:33:00.016+08:00

Today I did the Big Mac chant in 2.27 secs at McDs and won myself a free Big Mac (without onions). You're supposed to do it within 4 seconds if you want to win the free burger.

The chant goes:

Two all-beef patties,
Special sauce,
Cheese, lettuce, pickles, onions
On a sesame seed bun.

Talk about brilliant marketing, eh? I totally know by heart what goes into a Big Mac now! After a rubbish day at work, having dinner at McDs and winning a free burger through the somewhat childish but fun stunt was the highlight of my day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janvier tagged me with this Bookline Meme. I don't really see the point of this Meme, but since Janvier is a nice guy...

Heehee.

On with the Meme:

Pick up the nearest book (with at least 123 pages).Turn to page 123.Find the 5th sentence.Post the 5th sentence.Tag 5 people.

Nearest book is Lust, Caution by Eileen Chang.

"On one side, there was a small lot: black gravel and brownish grass, and a dark brown house with faded blue venetian blinds standing quietly in the rain."

I tag no one cause I'm feeling lazy.

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I've been meaning to post Bobo's picture on my blog for ages, but some how never got around to it until recently when a turn of events brought Bobo onto my mind again.

Meet Bobo, the Rottweiler guard dog at my office.

Okay, maybe Bobo is a silly name for such a huge dog, but it's my own special petname for him. And honestly, Bobo's always been a sweet dog- he's never barked at me before.

I used to be very afraid of him when I first started working at my office though, and whenever I worked late (they let Bobo out between 9-10 pm) I would creep out of my office building's main doors, look warily left and right for the hulking beast, and sprint the 10 feet to my car, duck in and sink into my car seat with my heart pounding wildly. Hahaha. I exaggerate, but only by a bit.

My colleagues and I even used to joke that Bobo could be used as an excuse to justify to the Bosses Why We Cannot Work Late.

However, after a year of walking past his cage almost daily, I'm no longer afraid of Bobo. Since I usually park near his cage, I notice Bobo often has this mournful muka kesian and likes to poke his head out through his cage's iron grills to observe people's comings and goings and as if he wished he could join them. My heart goes out to him. Makes you almost feel like reaching out your hand and giving him a nice *pat pat* on the head, right?

Almost la...but not quite. I still daren't. :)

My first ABCs

2008-05-11T02:46:00.009+08:00

To me, the relationship between mother and daugher is an intricate, complicated, multi-layered one that is often barely understood by the people around them and sometimes, not even by themselves.

The relationship that I have with my mother is a guardedly love-hate one. No mushy "I love yous" on every other phone call for us and she's never been the one I turn automatically to for advice or comfort when I needed some badly.

Instead, my mother will be the first person to tell me that I've put on weight and could stand to shed a few pounds. Or that my new hair colour makes me look totally trashy. Or that a girl should not be "samseng" and do things like travel alone, drive long-distance alone or do high-risk sports like white water rafting. Or nag at me that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," because she despairs that cooking is not exactly something I adore.

She believes in telling the painful truth as it is, you see, because in her words verbatim- that she has repeated to me a million times over, "Your parents (mum) are the only people who will ever tell you truly what they think. Other people, hmppphh...they tell you only what you want to hear!" Sometimes, in a moment of hurt, I often try to convince myself that I've read more meaning into her words than she intended there to be.

But, my mother is also the first person who is game for a shopping trip. Her patience is boundless and she's forever suggesting I try out new trends like bubble skirts or long tops with belts, to which some suggestions I accept and others I beseechingly reply, "Mum, that's just not me!"

She's also the person who painstakingly made sure that we always had a wholesome, home-cooked dinner together as a family (no TV!) every night of the year, minus holidays and dinners outside, when my brother and I were still staying at home in Ipoh. After almost a decade of staying away from home, I truly appreciate her effort.

From my mother, I learnt the meaning of perseverance, discipline, self-restrain and composure and loving yourself enough to make time for taking care of your body and appearance.

But most of all, I am thankful that she taught me my first ABCs from a Ladybird hardboard book that she bought me for my first birthday, that I have a photograph of little one-year old me biting the apple (A is for Apple!) on the cover.

Without her, I couldn't have written this.

Happy Mother's Day, Mum!

Upset

2008-05-04T01:07:00.004+08:00

How can something that appears so wrong, feel so right?
Can ingrained prejudices be put aside?
For they are oft unfounded
Advices given, asked for or not
Swirl tumultously in a whirpool of jumbled
Thoughts and emotions
Words parade
On the black screen neath the shut lids
The darkness of midnight embraces
When the world is quietest
The innermost essence, screams in silence
To be heard
Beneath the sheets you
Ponder
Wonder
Fret
Worry
Weigh
Deny
Try and reach out for help
To decide, to choose
Tradition or intuition
Dare you not conform?

Oh what a crappy week!

2008-04-25T23:03:00.014+08:00

I can't begin to express how incredibly glad I am that Friday is finally here!

It hasn't been the greatest week for me. My project managers were here for first half of the week. A pesky mosquito trapped in my car happily fed on my innocent, unsuspecting legs and feet for two days until I finally manage to squish it into a bloody pulp of mass with my bare palms. Drated parasite! The bites still itch though, especially the one on the sole of my right foot.

After a week's hiatus from my yoga classes, I felt exhausted even with the most basic poses that on normal days are fairly easy. I really need to go for more classes this weekend to make up for last week's missed classes due to last weekend's trip to Singapore. I'm already looking forward to this weekend's pilates classes with my favourite instructors. Oh, my trip to Singapore by the way,was fantastic- Queen's musical at the Esplanade, 5 hours non-stop karaoke and McGriddles at 4am in the morning with wonderful people sort of sums it up! I think I need another trip like that to look forward to soon, at the rate I'm going!

I've been sleeping early for my standards (11.30 pm on most days) and yet waking up every morning feeling like I could do with another 8 hours of good, sound sleep. It's not lethargy or plain laziness, but rather deterioration in sleep quality, which I've learnt recently is something medically valid. Rather convenient explanation, don't you think? *grin* Could it be due to stress? PMS? Income tax e-Filing? I've been having weird dreams too, just the other day I dreamt I was cooking some meat, and the key ingredient I was spooning into the pot was sand- to make the sauce thick, dark and...earthy? Too weird!

I also find myself really irritaited with schedules others try to impose on me. I've noticed I automatically rebel when there is a suggestion to timetable my personal life a certain way. I detest rigidity, but at the same time I realize that without stucture, how can things ever be achieved?

I lament the fact there there is no longer (or much less) spontaniety in things being done. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of our lives? Are we never, ever going to strike a balance between work, life, family, friendships, relationships? And why, why do we always take for granted those nearest and closest to us because we feel that no matter what we do or say they will forever be there for us? That's usually the case, but still!

And the more I introspect on aforementioned matters, the more I feel discomfitted and generally upset for no reason I can clearly pin-point to anyone. Arghhhhhhh!

I think I'm going to curl up in bed now, close my eyes and hope I wake up tomorrow morning feeling like I've slept a wholesome 8 hours.

Lazy girl's blogging: Pictures speak a thousand words

2008-04-12T11:51:00.011+08:00

Can you guess what I did last night?

The cute, pint-sized doll's name is 'Dion.'

Oooh...what's Dion holding? A bag?

This bag, perhaps? ;)

If you couldn't already guess what I was up to, head over to Janvier the Super Efficient's blog to find out more if interested...

And thanks for everything you guys!

The first quarter of 2008

2008-04-08T22:02:00.008+08:00

I think the majority of my blogposts in 2008 have been lacklustre and shallow, written without much care or thought for inflection or choice of words. Nouns are slapped together, sandwiched between adjectives and pronouns and conjunctions, punctuated hastily and uploaded without much consideration. Simply blogging for the sake of putting something up. I feel that I haven't been putting as much effort into my writing.

For some reason, my heart hasn't been into writing deep, thoughtful reflective posts such as of old. Why? I don't really know. Maybe I can see from my blog statistics that more and more people are actually reading my blog and hence, the shy, introvert in my subconcious is telling me to hold a part of myself back and not to reveal too much of my innermost thoughts. But this in itself is a paradox, of course I want people to read my blog! Of course I want people to read and understand, and agree with my point of view. To see where I am coming from, to gain insight on what I'm thinking about. Perhaps then again, this is not the reason for my reticence in writing.

Maybe, I just pride myself on a higher standard of writing. Perfectionist! Pfffttt...

Upon reflecting on what has been happening to me in my day to day life, I think nothing much has changed. Perhaps I did spend the early part of the year wallowing a bit in some self-pity and minor depression for a variety of reasons I cannot recall clearly now. But overall, my routine has remained basically the same except nowadays, I'm challenging myself to get off work as early as possible so I can make it to my yoga classes. I'm aiming to be as productive as possible during working hours and not work overtime if possible. It's still a struggle to achieve the delicate balance between work and having a life that some lucky few, if any, have actually achieved. Sometimes work wins, sometimes life wins. There are off days and then there are some. Some days Baskin Robbins at MidValley is just plain flat out of Jamaica Almond Fudge and Strawberry Cheesecake just simply DOES NOT hit the spot, people around you are menancing, calculative and complicated and their actions, words and motives are unfathomable. I feel discomfitted, out of sorts, upset but for no apparent, substantial reason that can be pin-pointed. The kind of upset that is the hardest to cure! And then of course, there are the days that make life worth living even if they are far and few in between- when everything around you swirls in technicolour, flows smoothly and seems to fall into perfect place as if its positioning had been measured with pre-destined precision and your clarity of vision, perception and perspective of events and people around you is crystal clear and pure. I feel at peace, fulfilled, inspired.

At a personal level, I think I've never been more at ease and accepting of myself. I already know my weaknesses too well, but I think I'm increasingly more aware of my strengths. Around me people are getting into serious relationships, getting married and having babies. It's almost a weekly event to hear of someone or read on someone's blog of someone or other getting hitched or announcing the happy "double-lines" result. I am not exaggerating! Seriously. Not meaning any offence to all my friends who are preggers or going to get hitched, I'm sincerely happy for all of you, but perhaps, for the rest of us unmarried, unexpecting bunch, I think that we have hit The Age! You know the age where your biological clock is supposed to go tick tock, when are you gonna pop? OK, lame joke but honestly, despite all the weddings, conceptions and births happening around me, none of it seems to have rubbed off on me because I'm still no where near getting married or *gasps* having a baby.

But for some strange reason, despite all the "odds" against me at this juncture, I'm happy about myself. In fact, happier than I've ever been in my life about myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I don't think I'm that bad off. In fact, I have a lot going for me in life.

I think I'm pretty on track with my personal goals for 2008 don't you think? Only Japan left to visit on my must-visit list and I'm feeling positive and well into the swing of my yoga/pilates classes.

I've never appreciated the saying that Happiness Comes from Within any more than now.

Chocolate mudcake, daisies and forget-me-nots

2008-03-30T21:59:00.014+08:00

Blow the candle and make a wish?

Birthday bouquet

Heartfelt thanks to everyone for all the birthday SMS-es, emails, MSN messages, cards, phone calls and hugs. Also to all four (!!) people (LL, LR, PL, GK) who were involved directly or indirectly, voluntarily or involuntarily in the planning and co-ordination of the surprise bouquet delivered all the way to my extremely surprised self in Sabah, thanks a million- I'm really touched to bits.

I think I should have no room for doubt if anybody in this world really cares for me (which in my darkest emo-moments, I often find myself wondering) because evidently a lot of people who matter a whole lot to me, do.

My sincerest thanks!

Found: Shoes for dress

2008-03-27T19:59:00.007+08:00

I blogged previously about my last minute search for the perfect pair of shoes to go with my very pink bridesmaid's dress for the wedding this weekend. Having exhaustively searched all shoe shops in Midvalley, thankfully, I managed to find the perfect pair in a shop in Central, Hong Kong- it's a simple design in a light gold colour which is not too flashy for a church wedding, I think. I love it! I've included the address of the shop below in case anyone is interested. They have VERY nice classy designs! Trust me, because if you don't already know, I have a shoe fetish. ;)

I just hope the shoes won't bite my feet too badly and give me blisters, because I simply have no time to break them in.

Ah, the sacrifices women make for the sake of beauty!

Vickie Shoes Co

6, Li Yuen Street East Central, Hong Kong

Directions: Exit D2 at Central MTR (turn right at exit, turn right again at the corner and you will be walking along Queen's Road Central. Walk until you see Emphasis Jewellery. Li Yuen Road is just before the shop)

"Zhou sun" from HK

2008-03-25T08:50:00.013+08:00

Hong Kong Skyline from the Avenue of Stars

Good morning!! Today is my fourth day in Hong Kong. I absolutely love it so far! The weather is just right for walking- you can wear short sleeves comfortably, with a light cardigan and yet, not sweat and get all sticky while walking. Perfect!

The shopping is crazily fabulous- literally at every corner, you will bump into a Giordano, Bossini, Hang Ten, Watsons or Sasa outlet. Crazy...it's paradise! *big grin*

The sushi here is also so fresh and yummy! The Hana Maki here is fabulous- Thick, succulent slices of raw salmon (about 3!) wrapped around a samll 20-cent sized ball of rice and heaped with Japanese mayonnaise topped with generous amounts of ebiko, I'm in love!

OK, I got to run now. I need to find a pair of shoes for my bridesmaid's dress really badly cause the wedding is this Saturday! OMG! So last minute, right?! I hope I can still fit into the dress what with the copious amounts of sushi, egg tarts and nai cha (mik tea) I'm ingesting...

Hugs and kisses,

Someone totally in love with HK

p/s Today's my dad's birthday! Happy Birthday dad! Not that he reads my blog, but anyway...:)

My new Pilates class

2008-03-16T19:15:00.006+08:00

I attended my first ever Pilates class today and survived it!

Hahaha, I think I'm just relieved that most of the students were just ordinary people and not models with sculpted abs who could perform all the poses in flawless, picture-perfect motions.

The instructor (a really toned lady with an upbeat, drill-sergeant-like voice) had us perform a series of poses, one of which is pictured above. It's not as easy as it appears and uses an incredible amount of abdominal muscle strength! A lot of the exercises used a lot of abdominal muscles and arm muscles. Though I could not perform all the exercises perfectly, I thought it was a good body workout and I liked it. The instructor was quite good as well, demanding yet friendly. She could hold all her poses pefectly, while instructing us at the same time!

She did tell us we all needed to try harder since what we are learning are just basic poses that had to be mastered before we could proceed to intermediate or advanced poses. I personally thought it was kinda difficult to try any harder when all your belly muscles were screaming bloody murder from pain. But perhaps, this is where you have to learn to control your mind over matter, which according to Wiki is the central aim of Pilates. Nevertheless, no regrets in signing up for this ~~self-inflicted torture~~ class.

Lest I expire, in the least it could be engraved: Herein lies a person who Always Gave Their Best.

Package from UK

2008-03-15T21:15:00.001+08:00

I've always enjoyed receive things via snail mail, other than the usual flurry of bills that I more often than not receive of course! I think it has something to do with the simple thrill of being able to recognize familiar handwriting and already guess the sender of the letter before it is even opened and the anticipation of what the letter will divulge. Nowadays, especially ever since emails and SMSes came conveniently into the big picture of communication, sadly, snail mails I receive (other than the odd wedding invitation) and send are far and few in between.

So imagine my delight when I received this in my mailbox last week from Jacz all the way from Glasgow, chock-full of goodies waiting to be disbursed!!

Card with pressie for the blushing bride-to-be, tiny cutesy top for the radiant, expecting mom-to-be and pretty bracelets for me and the housemate- since we aren't at the present moment, preggers or engaged to be married! ;)

Thanks Jacz for the bracelet. Your letter has been placed in a prominent place of honour in our apartment- on our refrigerator!

Election day!

2008-03-08T02:26:00.002+08:00

According to the 100% accurate kennysia.com Who-To-Vote-This-Election Decision Generator™, I am voting for...

PARTI KEADILAN RAKYAT!

Who Should You Vote For This Election?

Haha...If I were registered to vote, that is which ashamedly, I'm not. I will make sure I register for the next election within this year, that's a promise to myself!

Because every vote counts!

Ramblings on a Saturday Afternoon When the Pet Pig Won't Smile

2008-02-23T16:08:00.007+08:00

As I type this post, I hold my head stiftly so that my Skin Food banana yoghurt face mask and Origins Rich Rewards hair treatment will not fall of my face and hair in gloops, likening me unbecomingly to Swamp Thing.

Earlier, I had to revisit the nail saloon, because the pedicure on my left and right big toes had chipped off mysteriously in the span of me leaving the saloon and walking to my car. Damnit, why do these things take so long to dry?! They were really accomodating and repainted my big toes French Manicure Pink for free. Good service indeeed- it's Coco Nails in Taman Desa if you are interested. I was initially torn between the chosen pink colour and another more shimmery pretty peach shade, but had I known that the name of the pink shade I chose in the end was called French Manicure Pink I wouldn't even have to deliberate because, don't you just love the name? It is apt, it is catchy, it reeks of sophistication. What's in a name, you ask? Well, a lot!

Emmi Apricot Swiss Premium Yoghurt from Cold Storage is simply devine, you can taste the fresh milkyness borne from cows grazing on quaint Alpine slopes. And it goes down so smoothly in your throat. Mmmm...It is my current favourite yoghurt brand (a serendipitous discovery!), and at RM 2.60 for a small 100 mL carton, it is not that expensive a treat when you need a pick me up. Origins Jump Start shampoo containing "Cinammon, Geranium Oil, Lavender and Ylang Ylang" is also another of my current favourite pick-me-ups. And the name, oh the name, it so very describes what I need every morning- I drag myself out of bed, in the shower, I squeeze, I lather, I rinse, I inhale the cyinammony, geraniumy, lavendery, ylang ylangy scent, and I feel a little more prepared to brave the day.

This sudden frenzy of self-pampering and indulging is to nourish my tortured soul, if you must know. A wedding I have to attend later tonight, is a secondary, insignificant reason. A third totally irelevant justification would be I was supposed to go on an outing with a group of friends that was cancelled at the last minute, hence I don't want to waste my precious Saturday. Also, I'm going to be holed up in a stuffy (if posh) hotel in KL whole of next week for work (where the parking is horrible!) sharing a suite with 5 people for a week of meetings...*sigh* I'm exaggerating the direness of my situation of course, but lately I have been in a grumpy, crabby, whiny, sullen, do-not-feel-like-talking-or-socializing-or-blogging mood for no good reason I can pin point. I simply AM. Work? Maybe. Hormones? Maybe. The haze? Maybe? Boredom? Maybe. Aimlessness? Maybe. I give up.

Brb, I need to go wash the gunk out of my hair and face.

I'm back, and where were we? I've lost my train of thoughts. Never mind.

Oooh, I love the way I smell now, even if I say so myself. The lingering scent of lucious, sweet scent of ripe bananas on my face and subtle smell of Cinnammon, Geranium, Lavender, Ylang Ylang and William's pear in my hair (I don't actually know how William's pear smells like, but since it's listed as one of the main ingreedients in my hair treatment, I'll assume that it smells like the fruity yet earthy scent that is in my hair right now). And since we're on this topic, I really love natural, subtle smells that are kind to my ultrasensitive nose like the scent of freshly baked bread, freshly baked chocolate cake, fresh tulips, fresh roses, freshly cut grass and, the damp heady scent of freshly showered skin.

I got Khaled Hosseini's new book, A Thousand Splendid Sons from LL today! Yay...can't wait to bury my nose in it! Curled up in my bed, snuggled under my blanket with the air-conditioner churning out cool, crisps air. Happiness! Life is good! Heehee...

And ooooh...I booked flight tickets to Hong Kong at the recent MATA fair for end of March. That's one of the items off my to-do list for 2008! Excited about the upcoming trip...nai cha, egg tarts, dim sum, wan ton mee...Mmmmmm...I can't wait!

And oh! I've been trying to get my pet pig on Facebook to smile. But it just simply won't no matter how many times I pet it, or what I feed it. That mournful, wretched creature!

Why?!

OMG, where has time gone?! It's 5.50 pm already. I need to change, fix my hair, my makeup, figure out how to get to the wedding place by seven! Yikes, I better get going.

ps. Here's a pic of my dress!:)

pps. I really got to run now... It's 6.07 pm!!!

Valentines Day= SAD day

2008-02-14T23:17:00.006+08:00

Happy Single Awareness Day everyone! Don't know what it's all about?

Well, the name basically says it all- a day of celebrating being single, (since Valentine's Day is mostly about couples) that is being publicized locally by HitzFm radio station. I think it's a great effort on the part of the radio station to celebrate singledom.

And there's gonna be a free party at Retro Bar@ Modestos to celebrate SAD day with the theme of "Single and Ready to Mingle."

Date: 15th February 2008
Dress Code: Single men to come with TIES and Single Ladies to come with BOWS. If you think you've found someone interesting, then just exchange your BOWS and TIES.

My favourite DJs, Rudy and JJ (that I listen to every morning on the way to work) are going to be there! Just for the chance to meet them in person, maybe I should attend! :) Any singles interested in coming along with me? *teehee*

OK, I should go get my beauty sleep now. On an ending note, I received a Valentine's SMS today that I thought was very meaningful and would like to share with everyone:

"The heart remembers all special moments when goodness made a difference. May the love you share with others return to you in countless ways!"

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

The Kite Runner

2008-02-10T00:12:00.000+08:00

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini is one of those wonderful books that whereupon reading the last page of the book, I immediately want to reread it and gush to everyone I know about how amazingly well written the book is. I wish I could write as beautifully as him!

I also just had to Google the author (who's actually a medical doctor by profession) as well as read Wikipedia entries on Afghanistan, where parts of the book was set. I think this is one of the most fun ways of learning about another country. We should have read more books like these in school.

Thanks LL for recommending and lending me the book! Let's watch the movie together if it comes to Malaysia, k? If not, lets get the DVD! ;)

Gong Xi Fatt Cai!

2008-02-07T23:17:00.000+08:00

My mom's beautiful rhododendrons- I could't believe they were real, live plants at first!

I'm back in Ipoh for CNY. So far, it's been fairly quiet and modest, what with my bro in US and all.

But the entourage of aunts, uncles and small cousins arrive tomorrow! I think things are gonna liven up a bit and I look forward to enjoying some festive cheer before my holiday ends.

Here's wishing everyone Joy, Prosperity and Good Health in the Year of the Rat!

The 8th deadly sin

2008-01-30T00:20:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I watched an episode of the Tyra show on Singapore's channel 5, hosted by the stunningly gorgeous Tyra Banks of ANTM fame. The topic for the show was The Seven Deadly Sins: Greed, Gluttony, Envy, Wrath, Lust, Sloth and Vanity.

A poll of the audience found that 70% of them admitted to being guilty of lust! Hmmm...If swooning over Josh Hartnett in a movie or checking out real-life persons (Who Shall Not be Named for purposes of privacy) are acts of lust, I think I am guilty of this sin if not, at least one or more of the other seven!

However, somewhere during the interviews, Tyra casually mentioned that she thought the 8th deadly sin was DENIAL.

Uh-oh, I don't know if I really agree. Because I think that sometimes denial is your brain's natural coping mechanism to preserve your sanity (and if it were a sin, I would be guilty, guilty, guilty!). When there is no obvious answer or solution, and when you don't know what to do with the feeling of overwhelming hopelessness, your brain automatically shuts down some parts of itself so it dosen't go beserk.

In the sweet blissful nirvana of denial, the usually sharp corners of emotions are blunted. Happiness is less vibrant, anticipation less hopeful, hurt less painful, sadness less overwhelming and disappointment less piercing. This ambivalent haze of artificial serenity that exists as a state of limbo, of neither here nor there, of neither feeling nor unfeeling, provides a temporary cocoon of warm protection for the jaded soul. A much-needed shelter from the harsh realities of living.

I do realize though that prolonged denial thought, cannot be a good thing. Because in denial, one goes through the motions of living in a neverending cycle of numbness, of night becoming day and day becoming night. Of seasons coming, passing, changing. And the rare occasion when there is some happy event, there is a jostle, an awakening, and the starved senses are allowed to bask and absorb the lightness of its surroundings to the fullest, and live life as it should be lived. But when that brief moment pasts, as it always inevitably will, there is a retreat into the seductively protective cocoon where, people and events, both happy and sad leave less of a mark than usual and life has less lustre.

Maybe what I'm trying to say is I think short-bouts of denial are part and parcel of life. The only thing is figuring out where to draw the line between the long and short of denial.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ps. Denial isn't the only thing I'm guilty of. I'm also oh-so guilty of procrastination! Been meaning to upload my UK trip pictures for ages, but so far have only managed to upload the Paris part of the photos. Check them out here! Also, check out FeR's and Janvier's entries on our Games night! You guys are amazing with all the photos and details! Respect, respect! Let's do it again soon- while i still remember how to use the Cranium timer!!!! Hahaha...

Chivalry is dead in Malaysia

2008-01-08T17:07:00.000+08:00

I have concluded that Malaysian men are generally an ungentlemanly lot.

So much so that when a rare specimen of born and bred Malaysian man actually does something chivalrous, I find myself pleasantly surprised to no end. Sad isn't it?

Because the rest of the hopeless Malaysian male population will more often than not:

a) Go through a door first and let it swing right smack into your face
b) Allow an obviously pregnant lady to lug her heavy luggage bag up and down three flights of stairs
c) Stand by watching the fairer sex shift heavy boxes without offering a helping hand

The above examples are some real case scenarios but what actually sparked off this post was what happened this morning when I went to the bank at PJ States...

It was morning rush hour I was lucky to get a spot right in front of the bank after only making about 5 rounds and headed off to settle my banking needs. When I got back about half an hour later, a motorbike and car were double parked behind my car. The driver promptly moved her car but the motorbike rider was nowhere to be seen.

I suppose I could have honked my horn but if there's anything that irks me more than ungentlemanly guys, its incessant honking for no good reason. So I resignedly dropped off my stuff in the car and tried moving the motorbike myself, being careful not to burn my leg on the bike's exhaust pipe ( I have this phobia). It was quite heavy and I couldn't lift it so I just sort of clumsily dragged it as much out of the way as I could to make space for my car to reverse.

I got into my car and put my gear into Reverse. It was then, I noticed a 30-something Chinese guy with a pot belly in office attire puffing away on a cigarette with his gal pal in tow. He was craning his neck towards the back of my car and smirking at me while shaking his head. From his body language I could tell he was tsk-tsking to himself and thinking, "Aiya, stupid girl, not enough space to reverse-la, you sure bang the bike one."

Suppresing my ire, I got out of the car and once again dragged the motorbike a few inches out of the way.

Back in the driver's seat, Mr Chivalrous Personified was still puffing, craning and shaking his head away. Damn it, I will show him! I managed to squeeze my car out of the parking bay, missing the bike by a hairline crack and pulled majestically (I would like to think) away.

Seriously, was it too much to expect him to help me move the motorbike rather than just stand there and smirk?

Evidently, it was since:

a) I'm a total stranger he has no intention of hitting upon
b) I'm not a modelesque hot chick

I wonder why though when I was in London last month, not one but three or four British guys without a second thought, like it was second nature to them, gallantly offered to help me lug my heavy luggage bag up and down stairs in the Subway. You've got to give it to the British that they, for all their drunken football rowdiness, can also be very courteous.

I can only hope that Mr. Chivalrous Personified, in the very least, really lives up to his name when it comes to treating his girlfriend and family.

Happy 2008!

2008-01-01T22:39:00.000+08:00

And so, a new year has begun. I think "2008" has a nice ring to it and so far for me, it's off to a good start.

My New Year's Eve was quiet- no all-night par-tayyyyy at some hip and happening KL club or countdown at a trendy downtown bistro. It was one of those nights where I didn't feel the need to be surrounded by a group of people and was happy just to be comfortably ensconed at home having a nice take-away dinner after work and relaxing with close friends over a cup of tea. Peaceful and serene without the frenatic pace and stress of the usual New Year's crowd, traffic jam and noise. Perhaps I'm past the age of all-night partying (getting old!) or on a self-consoling note, it was never really my thing in the first place!

New Year's day itself was also quiet- woke up nice and late, showered, checked my emails, played some Scrabulous moves on Facebook, headed out to Cheras to check out the Esprit and MNG factory outlets, took a swim and then dinner at home.

A simple and nice day, spent doing what I want and choosing whom I want to spent it with.

Of late, I think I've forgotten the best part of being financially independent and living on your own. The freedom and infinite possibilities that comes with earning and living off your own salary -without having to share it with anybody or having any hungry mouths depending on you to feed them- and the glorious power that comes hand in hand with the responsibility of having to make your own choices (and live with the consequences) in even the simplest and most basic of things eg, what to wear/not to wear, what to eat/not to eat, who to spend/not to spend time with. I should really appreciate my independent life more!

Honestly, although I actually no longer really believe in making resolutions (because most of the time I never, ever keep them! For example, sleeping earlier!;)) but here are a few things I'd like to do in 2008 just off the top of my head:

1. Re-enroll in a Yoga class.

2. Visit Hong Kong, Macau or Japan.

3. Believe in my capabilities and positive attributes more.

I'd like to end this post by thanking each and every person who has made 2007 wonderful for me and wishing all of you only the very best for 2008!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!